I decided yesterday on the way to work yesterday that I'm depressed. I've just been too busy to notice. I'm going to see if having more time to myself and time to organize my life will make me feel better. But yeah, I'm miserable. I thought the job would help but all it does is make me exhausted and distract me for 10-11 hrs a day. I get home to my empty apartment and I sit on my couch watching tv talking to no one until I crawl to bed. I crawl to bed and I lie there awake for 5 min every night thinking "holy shit how did this become my life?"

I feel no spark. I thought at first that it was because I've been shying from dating but it's way deeper. All of my friends essentially moved away. These streets feel haunted. Just a couple months ago everyone was here, in WIlliamsburg, and we did things together. WE went to the bar on Saturday nights knowing that everyone else would be there. We had a community, a family, we had fun. We had each other. And everyone's gone and its just me all alone just going through the motions.

I have a handful of other friends who still live here but we're no ways as close or see each other as often. They're scattered, Carebear Cousins to the main group. I guess I need to try harder. When I can find some time.

I hate my life. Fucking hate it. Get up early in the morning, rush to work, spend 10-11 hrs there everyday with a majority of my day thinking I'm going to get fired. I sit in my office - all alone. I work my ass off and I leave, exhausted. I come home to an empty apartment. The pattern repeats.

When people come in my office to talk to me - like TALK, and not ask me work-stuff, I wonder why they'd ever want to talk to ME. I feel like shit about myself. I've had no time to do my hair, I look awful. I need a hair cut, my eyebrows waxed, a mani/pedi, and some new clothes. Because I just feel wretched. I feel ugly and fat and more and more like I have nothing to contribute to society.

I"m lonely as fuck. I hate New York City. Every night I come home and haul my fat ass up those 4 flights and think I really hate it here. I'm here just til this job ends then I'm going to pack up everything I own and move back upstate and see where I'm going from there.

Everything is just so fucking hard and without my friends, New York feels like it just wants to crush me. In the past month, I fell down stairs and fucked up my leg and ankle and got a black eye. Life is just SUCKING. On the bus yesterday I was thinking "I don't want this anymore." And I'm worried that I'm stuck and it ain't gonna get better.

I feel myself growing into this person I never thoguht I'd become. This asexual, sparkless, auto pilot of a woman. I'm THISCLOSE to giving up.

New York City feels so cold and cruel. I'm sick of it. I was full of youthful energy and dreams and I was SO in love when I first came here. It was years ago. I've accoplished so much but this isn't where I want to be anymore.

So this job is the only thing holding me here right now. I know I need the money for the next adventure. But I have no idea where or when. I hate this uncertainty. I REALLY hate this lack of passion and excitement. I guess I'll clean my house, throw myself into studying for the GRE and hope grad school is the answer.

I sound pathetic I know :/ I feel pathetic.

Just a bit down. Kicking around this apartment feeling lonely and down. It'll pass.