Maybe I'm Not As Bad As I Thought

I'm reading a memoir right now about Borderline Personality Disorder. Or should I say, about a woman who has BPD. It's the second such book I've read and there's one thing I keep hearing myself mumble as I turn the pages -- "this doesn't really sound like me."

I also have started going on BPD support websites and again and again I keep finding myself doubting the diagnosis. In therapy I stop my counselor often and say, "no I haven't done that in years. Not since I was 23 or so." She folds her hands and says slowly, "well maybe you're further in recovery than you think."

I don't know what to think of that, of any of this. I read about women who can't work, who are unable to get out of bed, who are unable to deal with the tiniest tasks in life. And sure, I've had periods like that but they've been abbreviated. A day here, a weekend there. But still I get up on Monday mornings and go to work and I still pay my own bills and take care of myself. I don't fall apart if my counselor isn't around to answer my calls (in fact, I've never felt the need to speak to them outside of session.) I just don't know. I feel almost bad even saying the words but... I just don't seem as fucked up as other people.

It's not meant as a judgment and the very fact of it confuses me. When I was diagnosed with BPD, I was in a mental hospital after my fifth suicide attempt. I was twenty-three. It was eight years ago, almost to the day. Does the shoe still fit?

My friend called me the poster child of BPD but yet after attending the BPD conference at Yale, he said to me "you're not really that fucked up." Maybe my skin is thicker than I thought. I don't fly into blind rages, I rarely truly act on crazy impulses, and I've learned to temper my needs. I have periods of depression and I certainly am triggers often but yet... even as much as I can fall to pieces.... it's just not as bad as other people I see.

What do I do with this? Do I feel superior? Do I throw away the entire diagnosis? So many characteristics still apply. But now with the ADD diagnosis, I have to wonder. With ADD, I'm unable to focus on thoughts and be productive --- is BPD just a form of ADD but.... with emotion?? The same way thoughts can storm in my mind and cloud rationale I also feel about feelings. Is it all related? All just about.... not being able to untangle clutter in my brain?

I want to strip away diagnoses and look at actual behavior and thought patterns. I don't think I want to say I'm a borderline anymore. It doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know. There's some sort of change in the air, in my veins, in my brain... and I'm jsut waiting to see where I land.