Ooh Yeah. There it is. Social Anxiety.

Tomorrow morning at 9:45 I have an appointment to see my new counselor. And already I'm starting to freak out. But more about that in a moment.

It's our second meeting and he seems pretty nice. I have high hopes. I've adopted this really strange attitude about counseling. I haven't been in therapy for over a year but recently I did an intake at the Renfrew Center which specializes in eating disorders. It took two hours for me to fill out their questionaire. Three days after they called me up and said that they recommended me to go to their in-patient center in outside of Philadelphia. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. They said it was because I had a history of suicidal behaviors and they wanted me to be "safe" while delving into the guts of my brain, as it were. (hehe). I said they were nuts and so here I am a month or so later seeing Dr. Tepper on the Upper West Side, right on the park.

It feels too adult and grown up there. Last week I was having a full out anxiety attack walking to his office. It'd started the same way it is right now - the night before the shakiness began. It's hard to explain but it's almost a psychic trembling of sorts. For me, it starts as a dance in my chest that tickles down the nerves into my arms. Sometimes it makes my throat feel funny, narrower and dry. It's a light-headed, nervous feeling. And already just the thought of going there is making me feel that way. It's sort of like butterflies in your tummy times 50 - and they're everywhere; just under the skin and spun out on meth.

My mom calls it the jitters. I used to make fun of her as a kid when she'd get freaked out in P&C. Driving in a small town like Gouverneur. Now I totally get it. At least I haven't had a panic attack in awhile. Those.... well... those are just absolutely unbearable. Panic is a term that is overused. I'm guilty of this as well. I have been anxious, I have been frantic, but in a few specific moments in my life have I actually felt panic. Can't say I was a big fan. But the problem with knowing what a panic attack is is that you know it could happen. So then the anxiety snowballs. And I'm sitting here typing feeling sick to my stomach and I have to stop and say "what am I so upset about?"

Oh yes. The agoraphobia. Social anxiety. It only sets in when I haven't been working. Looking back, it'd hit me when I was depressed and withdrawn from the world. The more time you spend out of the public eye and out of the whirlwind of life, the scarier it feels to step a foot back in. TOTALLY irrational. I get up, I get dressed, I get on the train, I get off the train, I walk to his office. I do the return trip. Not even sure what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the way I feel right now and the way this can grow. Yeah I guess that's it. I hate the way I feel right now and I'm dreading the fact that in the morning it's going to be worse and probably won't stop until I'm at his office. Right now he seems so far away and all I wanna do is stay in my apartment and sleep and hide.

It's hard to describe but I've tried. My medication takes care of a lot of the funny feelings and I have benzos for the harder times. A kick in the ass to my brain. This is the way I live now. It works better. I don't like it much. I've accepted it.

Hi, I'm Janice. I have mental illness. Can you deal with that?