Janice in 2008 Part I

First off I wanna say my usual disclaimer because I'm so lame -- to all my friends that have emails sitting in my various inboxes - email, Facebook, myspace --know that I spend at least a solid 30 seconds everyday thinking "shit I need to write these people back". And considering how busy and/or distracted lately that's saying a lot!

Currently I am sitting in the living room of my mom's house in upstate NY waiting for the laundry gnomes to finish my laundry. They're amazing. I put some clothes in the little hamper in the bathroom and then, before I go to pull them out they're washed, dried, and folded and put back in my bag. It's fucking amazing! I gotta get me some laundry gnomes. I think they only like my mom though because this sort of phenomenon only happens when she's around.

I just remembered I had a dream last night I was dating Prince William. He's looking kinda hot again now that he's scruffy. Scruffy nixes balding anytime. The blur of hair in the facial region sorta fills in gaps on top perhaps.

Anyway, let's see. I started off 2008 madly in love with a guy I was pretty much convinced was my soul mate. We spent New Year's last year kissing on Ayumi and Martin's roof and watching the fireworks over the city. Then we wandered home across the street and I was too drunk to do anything but sit in a hot bath and try to sober up. Kinda killed the romance there. Fact of the matter was that the Paxil I was on was really starting to fuck with me. Between that and the Yasmin, I never wanted to be intimiate with my bf and wanted to spend lots of time sleeping. I wrapped up on Cashmere Mafia and that's when the fighting began. Or at least got worse. We were preparing to move in together and then he bought a car without even considering me or our finances together and that coupled with his desire for more independence at the same time I was holding on tighter and freaking out with my medication -- it was just messy. We were fighting constantly and then I had a break in medication due to some bureacratic mix up and I went into full blown serotonin syndrome and basically freaked the fuck out. I couldn't sleep, I felt anxious and panicky all the time, I felt like my head was under water and my hearing and vision were blurred, I would shake, I couldn't stop crying, and after a couple days of this and seeing how my bf was reacting to my being crazy I decided that I was probably better off dead. I started scratching and cutting. And then one night he had to call 911 on me because the condition was getting worse. I basically went from relatively normal to psychosis in a couple days. All because of a lovely medication called Paxil.

So February I stared to feel better as I weened off on Paxil and went to another pill. However, my relationship wasn't healing. Or at least I thought it was and my bf had pretty much decided that he'd had enough. I was also working on Cadillac Records in NJ and it was a miserable time. Doens't help that there were some serious issues at home with my family and ugh. It was a really really horrible time that ended up with me getting dumped more or less on Valentine's Day. It's still up in the air if he started fucking the other girl before he broke up with me. And considering the way he wouldn't let me in his room and his roommate wouldn't let me near there, I don't think he was alone the night he dumped me. When I took the two hour trip out to Edison in the middle of the night to apologize for someting horrible I'd done and said and he wouldn't pick up his phone. I came all that way to show him how sorry I was and how much I loved him -- only to get dumped. It was a horribly painful time. Made worse because I was still struggling to get my head and body chemistry back together. Although he denies it, he did more or less leave me as I was still recovering. And all of that happening together nearly outright killed me.

I clung to the belief that we could fix it through my birthday in March. Then I heard about him fucking another girl that I'd been jeaous of. And essentialy, it was a couple months of just getting my heart broken over and over again. Of trying to reach out and be friends with him but only to be hurt and ignored. On a daily basis I stil think of him. I still love him. I probably always will. But I love myself more and have resolved to not allow anyone in my life who could so easily ignore me, disrespect me, abandon me, disregard me. I started to rediscover my own self worth. And realize how kind-hearted, loving, sweet, considerate, and awesome I am. It was his loss to throw away someone as dedicated and adoring and strong and independent as me. I just wished he could see it. Of course, he never has.

I worked a on a reality show called Stylista that lead right into another show called ESL. During this time work on my memoir I'd been working on for 6 years was drawing to a close. While working at ESL, a time card for my ex-ex bf passed my desk. It was this weird moment. And then I realized that all the pain and hurt about THAT break up was gone. I was over him and wished him well. And I told him so. But it made me realize that the best sex I ever had was when I was dating him over four years ago. Damnit. :)

And now I need to get dressed to head back to mass. so I'll need to finish this later...