i tried to explain to you
one breathless morning
that it's like waking up from a spell

but kissless
and without prince charming

Like someone opens a valve
and the steam streaks out
whistling, highpitched, and screaming

then the wilting
the shaking of the head

it's like opening your eyes
to a psychological hangover
and not remember the night before

it's finding mr. hyde's ticket stub
in your dr. jeckyl wallet
a blood stained playbill
a bullet lodged in your shoe

great
if only
in my own mind

loved
if only
in distant hearts

i drive to the lake
to the center of cornered towns
past houses where you don't live
and where I can't sleep
anymore

cigarettes on the back of my tongue
razorblade barbs on my chin
paintless nails
suitcases of yesterday
strapped to my back
a pack
mule

forcing exuberance
and most other gestures
and emotions
that will miss your gaze
once again

up before the sun
awakened to dawning birds
i peer out into the twilight
making out the pink flowers in the garden
the white fogline of the early road
wondering where that distance owl rests
and whose bed you fell into tonight

you don't read the words i write for you
you are ignorant to the bliss, the depth, the turbulence
i am not worth a double click, an opened book
loved but not loved, pages not turned
you don't have time or gravitation to perchance
and i consider return to my disturbed slumber

i'm not that girl anymore
low cut and swooning
across beer-stained bar room floors

i'm not that girl anymore
with sideways boozy eyes
praying for an errant hand, a captured gaze

i'm not that girl anymore
slinking through brooklyn streets
a big fish in a big pond only in my mind

i'm saved, you see
i was caught and carefully dusted off
returned to my feet

i'm saved, you see
secure and sane in suburban lawns
found a god in the grass and the dandies

i'm saved, you see
sold a bill of clarity, solidity
but still falling apart just smaller pebbles

and a lot more drifting dust

it's a hard love to sit still for
it's a hard love to break away from
i want to dance around the world with you
discuss the tiniest nuances of life
tucked under a white cotton blanket fort
i want to taste strawberries on your fingertips
i want to --

i want to slam my head into shower doors
i want to cry and scream and claw
i want to exorsize these demons
i want to grab you and look deep in your eyes
i want you to see the sedation of my soul
i must maintain to compose this calm

tranquilized
to dispel the traumatized
a lion bedding with the gazelle
locked behind glass
deep in the dankest zoo
i pace and i fight this frenzy and i --

it's a hard love to maintain
because it won't let go
it's a hard love to sing for
it's become my supper, my salvation




ugh.... to be continued when i can actually WRITE again....

celexa is a dam
that forces me to censor
words do not flow
my brain just can't go
in the crazed paths
and starry directions
it longs for

pharmacudical leash
i consider the connection
between creative and crazy
hemingway and his cats
zelda and her fountain dancing--


something...

fuck...

what was i trying to say?

in this subdued seduction
plexiglass
i charge head first
into plexiglass
unharmed, unscarred
i fall backwards
flat on my ass
no words to say
no words to write
the little pink pills
escort me away
like white coated nurses

shhhh they say
shhhh they coo
tucked into bed

what was i saying?

where did the poetry go?

all i can say is this ---- mother fucker. MOTHER FUCKER!

I did it again.