Mixed Blessings

I absolutely am quite aware of the fact that I am a blessed soul. Even when I'm whiny and depressed and freaking out, I do know this on a very basic level. I have this amazing family and quite possibly the best set of friends EVER :) I live in a fun neighborhood, I have a huge apartment, and I get to live with three little panthers that warm my heart everyday. I have my health. Mostly. I live in the time of hi-speed internet and DVR's which is AWESOME for someone as couch potato-y as me :) However, I just gotta say that I am really fucking sick of getting kicked in the teeth by life right now.

Not to say that I feel entitled somehow to have things easier. I struggle with that, I know none of us do. I try to focus on what I can fix and what I can't and work on aspects of my life that need some help. No, this isn't about simply wasting my time and energy feel sorry for myself. This is a simple blog post to say to the powers that be "what the FUCK?"

This is the longest I've ever been unemployed. Over three months. Working on four. I blew my savings long ago and have maxed out my credit cards. Not from crazy spending but just to eat and live and pay bills. I can't pay my rent. I don't know how to tell my landlord this and I'm pretty scared about that. I like my apartment and I don't want to end up in court or getting evicted or thrown out on the street. I'm petrified because I know that if I lose this foothold - my apartment - it is SO hard to leave and come back. It breaks my heart. It really does. I turned 30 and I just feel this level of patheticness. As simple as I CANNOT PAY MY RENT. I am a court order and the good graces from being out on the street. Oh and the best part? The reason I can't pay my rent? Unemployment fucked me over. It's been two weeks and I haven't received any money from them. I have to go to the bank today to deposit some money I had to borrow from my parents and hope it clears by the time the check I need to give my landlord clears. Rent Russian Roulette. And when it does clear and after I pay some bills -- I have NOTHING left. It's depressing.

I keep thinking about how I was hired on a job and someone I thought was a friend purposely worked to take the job away from me. It's really hard not to be bitter. It really, really is.

But I'm working and I'm trying. PImping out my book and the new anthology. I am WORKING for the money I make. But man, it is so hard. It is so very very very hard.

On my living room table is a pile of bills I can't pay. Including my union dues. I'ma fraid to contact me health insurance because seeing I haven't worked all this time.

Ugh I just wanna go back to bed. Just realized I've worked 2 out of the past 8 months.

On Turning Thirty

Yeah so I didn't take it so well at ALL.

I woke up and was in a good mood then I was on the couch watching tv and then just started crying and crying. Every little thing sent me into a rage or hysterical sobs. It was a really difficult day. I couldn't pinpoint just what was wrong and lashed out in every direction. It was really hard and really ugly.

I was thinking about all the things that I thought I'd have accomplished by 30 that I hadn't. I was thinking about all the BAD things and none of the good. I was measuring myself against some imaginary and arbitrary numbers. After freaking out and lashing out and crying and all around acting pretty cuckoo, I was able to calm down and go out to a lovely birthday party. But up until then... my goodness.

I am a pretty symbolic person. And when I hit such an immense symbol it was rough. I feel good now and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain the haywire thinking and feeling of that day but I'm sure glad it's over. Thirty has been wonderful since. But that first day... oh my goodness...

So thus all the wacky postings. A really turbulent day indeed.

Note to self

It's important to realize that it's not so much that people don't like me or care about me as much as I do them, it's that they don't have this overpowering, overwhelming NEED. They probably like me as much, probably care as much, but don't need me as much.

And considering I am so needy, it doesn't signify that they don't care or don't want me. It's jut that they are in a healthier place than I am right now.

And this does not in any away affect who I am or my worth or if I'm "loveable" or "likeable."

I've dated people who were needy and it's no fun. It's hard enough to center yourself in this life nonetheless be a full-time centering force for someone else.

I am just thinking about all the ways that I self-sabotage my own life and relationships. Having lots of epiphanies.

I feel out of control of my life. I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure careerwise. I feel like a failure relationship wise. I think it's one thing to allow life to take you where it may, to trust in the infinite wisdom and love of the universe, but it's another altogether to not even pick any sort of direction. This is the only life I have and I need to step it up and realize what I want and work toward those goals.

I feel a very intense LACK in my life which is insane when I live such a lush, abundant life. I need to step back and spend some time in the sun. I am a creature that needs to be dragged out into the day sometimes. I am such an existentialist, a romantic, a melancholy emotional little dreamer. I am sensitive and vulnerable. I am constantly in this process of losing and regaining my balance. I am so hard on myself for making the same mistakes over and over. I get so angry with myself for it. I can forgive anyone almost anything but myself. I don't own my feelings, I feel ashamed of them. I don't own my needs, I feel they have no validity. No temperance.

I keep thinking of this Alanis song:

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

But at the base of it, at the very center, I feel beautiful and wise and gifted and loved and BRILLIANTLY WONDERFUL. :) I lose track of it.

I look back at how far I've come since I was 19. Since I was wailing at the world. Since I was screaming and so in hate with myself that I tried to destroy myself over and over again. But the fact that I have grown is no excuse when I am due for another growth spurt.

So here I am. Thirty. And trying to understand that everything outside of myself, as wonderful and meaningful and blessed, is arbitrary. That everything outside of me is just icing on this cake that I have baking inside for years. Failed, of course. But learning. :) But you know what? I'm not a simple Betty Crocker mix! I am like... a luscious and rich velvet layer cake with a molten, thickly creamy center! And it takes time to get it just right.

I like that metaphor. I am going to work on my recipe for awhile. I give people tastes. Sometimes whole servings. And someday I will fall madly in love with someone who will wait patiently for the cake to be ready. And we'll enjoy it together with mouthfuls of yummy goodness haha. And frosting on our lips! But for now. Yeah. I'm not ready for the committment and love that I want. Even if Mr. Right showed up at my door THIS MOMENT I'd fuck it up.

And thus why James is smart. Go slow. Work on your recipe. It's instinct. Relationships, like cooking, is an art, not a science. It seems like I should know this.

Falling in love is an art. One that is be tried and failed at and perfected.

I am going to go out into the world and fall back in love with my foibles and imperfections. Hopefully someone else will, too. but I can't control that. I can only keep on my path. If someone comes along that decides they'd like to walk with me again (or still), I'll welcome them. But only if they like chocolate cake :)

Still sick..... still broke...

I just blew my nose and my ear did this horrible high pitched popping/squealing sound. I still have this stingy/irritated feeling in my eyes, nose, and throat. This is exactly the kind of cold that makes me wanna OD on nyquil and hide in bed until it's over.

So yeah, totally wanna write or be productive but it's just not happening.

I'm bummed because all the jobs I was up for fell through. Starting to get SUPER worried. But I'm just going to try to stay positive and keep on keeping on. I'll put in another futile and worthless call to my union on Monday. I dunno. Maybe it's time to change careers. I like what I do but if I do it only three months this isn't going to work.