blood letting

if only i could bleed enough
doctor gimme your leeches
drain me of the blue blood
that thickens the walls of my veins

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

inside i am technicolor
from inside it comes out
it comes out
this ever spilled milk
over which i am not to cry
it sours and curdles
amongst kittens, broken tiles
i am a genius he says to me
under a giant plastic apple

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

give me your rusty tools
the yellowed hypocratic oath
light me up like vegas
flip on the ECT
rewire the walls, rewire my walls
fry these circuits
til the whole house burns down

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

doctor, i've got an empty drawer
waiting for a bottle
right in that bottom drawer
yeah, he says i'm a genius
but when i'm dirt
when i am the ash
it is only a perhaps epiptath

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

tonight i struggle with
the thoughts that keep me up
begging for those leaches
grinding my teeth for release
and one more evening
like all those others
i have to forget

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

switch

i'm doing it again
i'm doing it again
stumbling in the dark
grasping at corners
feeling the walls
where's that switch
that flip me back
where is the drug
that turns me up
to an acceptable volume
and level of coping
perhaps its at the bottom of this bottle
ashes on the keyboard again
ashes on the keyboard again

billy corgan

i said that i'd dig out the treadmill
i'd do an hour, i'm thirty now, i want to be healthy, i want to be hot
i want to be everything that i'm not
instead i sit in the garish light of out of season christmas lights
chain smoking, binge drinking
chanting incantations and scarring my skin
my heart has become too full
my face has molded into a smile
it's all in vain, it's all in vain

the ice cream man has pulled me into his van
offered me any flavor, any topping i desire
i am five again and somehow skinny
i am fifteen again and lactose tolerant
the ice cream spreads his hands
he's billy corgan
today is the greatest day
and i can have anything i want

the cats won't stop howling
they're talking, conspiring, chortling their love yous
a family formed five feet below me
upon the floor where i will someday fall
just please tell me why my left arm aches
and why when i really want you to you never call

the same dark

two hours ago i was optimistic
i had plans and good intentions
the sunsets and i fall to darkness
never both to turn on the lights
computer screen absorbs my face

somewhere in the shadows
i open a beer, light a cigarette
the phone rings, it's not you
so i don't answer, i never answer
i am locked inside some madness
cage fight to the death
only one soul will exit when it's through

the world is a mean girl, a prom queen to me
carrots are dangled and i run
that damn optimism, that dreaded hope
i declare secrets and write sonnets
my voice fades to whisper, to simple breath
periodic moan, glass slippers slicing off toes

in the dark, in the same dark
i had with you, i slept besides, in the dark
that is not as soft now, is not as friendly now
it is this dark that drags me back
nails in the dark, I am Persephone
it is winter, it is time, it is time
and away i am taken, much more than i flee

the grass seems so far from me now
thousands of feet above and below
i want to read minds, i want to inspect hands
before they touch me
if i keep dirnking, i don't tihnk i'll stop
trying to drain myself, trying to drown myself
trying to soak away all that i hate
marinade in bodega forties
fingers too young to be stained this yellow
but still yet that way

eh... another draft

this bell is for you
i held it, tight and lovingly
as the plane came down
crystal and defined, etched and scarred
it never broke
even thought i did

again

i compose, predisposed to the deep
the wings tore away first
like a fly in a five year's old fist
the plummet, at first like the log ride
back when i was fourteen and at darien lake
the splash not as gentle
and no laughter this time

half assed half asleep draft to finish later

his name is moh
and he's been driving
this cab for fifteen years
since he left Egypt
for a better life.

There he was a lawyer
and he attended the mosque
regularly and there he laughs
he was never tempted by bacon

and now
now he can't sleep

whenever he picks me up
he laughs, he chain smokes
weaving through screeching traffic
along the bqe, moh laughs
but he says, he always says
"if only i could
just get some sleep."

i suggest tylenol pm, a doctor
some melatonin but he changes
the subject as he swerves
into the right lane
the metropolitan ave exit
he says he wants to work in movies

his dreams to me, are those of
someone twnety years younger
and they are dreams that were once mine
and they are dreams that i no longer
give a shit about anymore

he says
you're lucky
you work with the stars
i shake my head
"I work with the stars money"
moh says
no you're lucky
you can go home
and get some sleep

dance card

lady lazarus
back from the dead
from under houses
torn from crawl spaces
pumped of poison
we rise and stories we tell

i do not claim to know death well
have only waltzed with him in the garden
he possessed a skilled step
and an even temper
he fills my dance card and slaps my ass

he never calls the next day.

Z

you lack an awareness
of the space you fill
and over nicotine embers
i consider your light
the tilt of your chin
and consider

how you looked
eyes closed to peace
lips silent and still
the depth of you
reconvenes in cracks
and fissures

how easily you skate
between dark and light
how softly you step
amongst the debris of the world
you i consider

at various angles
a myriad of poses
from a far with smile
your ease, elegance
your embrace of your whole self

all possible
because perhaps
you just don't know
and who am i to tell you

til dusk

i rub pomegranates
between my breasts
every morning
hoping to be the scent
that lingers in your nose
til dusk finds its way
into your bed
where i long to sleep
just as mist-like
just as dark
simply as ripe
and as slowly intertwining

it's on the edge of my lip
like a piece of chapped skin
it's on the edge of my lip
the corner of my mouth
then gone

eyes wander and fall to the ground
embers lit, inches from tongue
stranded on street corners
i miss my days of dancing
beneath the orange pool of light

padding

perhaps the thick fat
is to compensate for the thin skin
and tender heart
perhaps more in need of padding
and insulation than the normal girl.

perhaps i dangle dangerously
legs over the roof edge
but when my balance is lost
back to the center i race, i cling

i just don't know who i am
what'll find when i start
stripping away the layers
revealing skin and bone and blood
i just don't know who i am
when it's all said and done
when i am alone with just my breath
and my overwhelming being

fire proof

you reach to touch
but you don't understand
there are stars under my skin

me,
you have never read
you have never pressed your
ear to the inner of my thigh
you

are denied access
in the swish of skirt
a handful of air

perfume
then nothing

I have learned
from the back of cereal boxes
heart no longer on my sleeve

but behind the fish sticks
and the lime green popsicles
in the back of the freezer

with my cash and my composure
fire-proof, far from flame
and the last place anyone who'd
care to find
would ever look

draft

this is the sign
that you later wish you
had seen earlier

it's all there
prophecies and promises
self-absorbed
selfish
desperate

ain't no anger
barely any tears
just the surrendering
to the final year

girl anachorism by dresden dolls

girl anachronism

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that i'm sorry that i asked
though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM

draft, they're all drafts, just rambled blobs of poetic goo

is there anybody out there
voices echos
empty stadium
empty apartment
reverb, still unheard
and still i speak

radio chatter
beyond sleep and reason
still i can't stop
this driven need
to connect, to connect

restless
insatiable
reaching for reasons
to stay

heimlich

this is the way things like this end ya know
a hiccup then a deeper breath
to realign the diaphragm
a swallow
then again again again

it ends

like choking in a diner
no one knows the maneuver
and the chemistry rests in your chest
the blue spreads
dirty tile to slab

it's a good weekend for a suicide
he says, reading a brochure
i am chest-armed-crossed
thinner in my mind than my body
and lara croft in my pout

i'm supposed to find irony
perhaps even find it funny
but i'm so numb from this machine
and desperate for a stab, a bite, a kiss
to remind me i'm a miracle

wrestling darwin

been revelling in my irrelevance
letting the typos flow
spell checked slayed
perhaps i just need to get laid
sleep in on sunday and pretend i'm in love

is that what others do
i mean they can't all be luckier than me
is it in the lies they tell themselves
the complacency they down like pills

they can't all be happy
then what's that say about me?
about us? about the others
I see downcast eyes and thrusted chests
mating season in williamsburg
but yet all ephemeral
dancing but no music
raining without drops

dry
and
empty

consider this
are we moving away from nature
away from what is natural
the evolution or god-slated purpose
of nooks and crannies
are we wrestling darwin himself
knocking atoms til we
big bang ourselves
are we godless or plastic surgerying
genetically engineering ourselves
to take the place
when the sky goes dead
the stars go black
and the vaccum is explained
as tinnitus?

it's there
in that crease
between shoulder blades
it's there in the
center of your chest

sepia stains
i am an owner of nothing
my antiquity is neither
black nor white nor gray
orange baby pictures
early photo shop
faded polaroids
crystalized flash
smoke
light

but it's there
some sort of reciprocity
a physical geography
a math equation, a spot
on your hand me down shirt
it's there
like a scab, a crust of skin
dangling by a hair
it's gonna fall anyway
so scratch

it's just a bonus
if you also bleed

last night
i watched the
street lights
illuminate
one by one
up and down
union avenue

daylight
fell away and
sun disappeared
behind the condo
across the street
i pondered my age
and the crook
of my elbow

silently

it is not as simple
as you may make it out to be
but the twist is that
i think you might be able
to see what i'm getting at
and thus the intoxication

but as pedestaled as you are
i sit across the room
more recessed than you are raised
i have been to this gallery before
and weary i am of modern art

Sparks (draft in progress)

i want to know you
with your clothes off
not to say
i don't love you with

but sometimes
the need to experience
how soft that
patch of skin is

that tiny square above
your waist
how warm the flesh
oh yes sometimes i wonder
for hours and

it's not about sex
fluids spill but the soul
remains, yes it's the remainder
that pulls me
into nooks and crannies
that mesmerizes me with
shards and shatters

it's when i close my eyes
i see you, unnervingly comfortable
wherever you go
so intact and confident and
i've never met anyone so
whole and up and down to
earth and i crave
being the causation
the magician
behind your smile

i want to you know when your clothes off
to discover freckles uncharted
weights and measures
five senses enthralled
not to say i want to possess
or simply caress
but experience
lighted finger
sparks