i said that i'd dig out the treadmill
i'd do an hour, i'm thirty now, i want to be healthy, i want to be hot
i want to be everything that i'm not
instead i sit in the garish light of out of season christmas lights
chain smoking, binge drinking
chanting incantations and scarring my skin
my heart has become too full
my face has molded into a smile
it's all in vain, it's all in vain
the ice cream man has pulled me into his van
offered me any flavor, any topping i desire
i am five again and somehow skinny
i am fifteen again and lactose tolerant
the ice cream spreads his hands
he's billy corgan
today is the greatest day
and i can have anything i want
the cats won't stop howling
they're talking, conspiring, chortling their love yous
a family formed five feet below me
upon the floor where i will someday fall
just please tell me why my left arm aches
and why when i really want you to you never call
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