Hide & Go Seek

Upstate it’s snowing
I laughingly gave my condolences
As my heat finally roared to life
With the clang of the radiator
In my Brooklyn apartment.

I was so happy to leave my blanket cocoon
So happy I began to cook
Modern appliances whirling
And then darkness

Sudden.

“Fuck!”

The kittens scattered, confused
By my sudden outburst
Scurrying as I cursed, slammed
My way through the rooms
Upturning every place
I could ever think to put a business card

In the black, in the howl
Of the northern wind outside
The rain pelting my windows
I sat at my desk
Held my head
Realized I couldn’t call my super
The number lost
The building empty
And me in the dark.

I somehow lit a candle
Shadows surrounded me
I laid on my couch
And mused how this could be romantic
If only I wasn’t so afraid
To fall and be vulnerable and try

And on I laid
The radiator stopped clanking
My heart raced
Cold settled back in
And I wrapped myself up again
And Eventually I began to cry

I cried of a lost love
I cried for not having someone
Smarter and more able and more brave
To help
My heart is racing and it’s so hard to explain
That sometimes I have no voice
And sometimes everyone has fangs
In the dark, in the howl
It felt ok to be weak
To toss aside my independence
It’s hard to explain
That sometimes I would starve
Rather than go outside
And sometimes I’d rather freeze
Then knock on a door

Somewhere a siren howled
It’s hard to remember
You’re surrounded by millions
When the windows are tightly
Curtained to keep out the drafts

I cried for five minutes
Slow, silent, chilly wetness
From my eyes, down my cheeks
Turning my head
A practiced and perfected motion
Before they tickled my ears

Then I got up
I tripped across the cats
Walking through the empty
I could feel bad
And yes I do but
I could feel worse
But at this time I don’t

I am unloved
I am not in love
I do not feel love
Only cold
And frustration

My eyes begin to adjust
Flames abound
I light more candles
I settle, I phone for pizza
I miss my electric space heater
I miss my ex boyfriend
I miss my mom
I realize it’s the first time
In a long time
I’ve sat this way
Cold dark and alone

I consider my empty bank account
A newly published book
It’s all so ironic
To be someone yet no one
Spending my days trying to convince
Others that I am bigger than I am
That I am smarter
And more beautiful
And more talented
That I string together moments of belief
Wear them like a amulet
Around my neck
To protect me
From those
I want to love me

Chilled bones
Nine o’clock
No internet, dying battery on my phone
A hiss
Growing in fervor
Boiler whispers in my ear
It could be a long night
If I don’t give in to sleep
It could be a long life
If I don’t give in to the hide
And the seek.

Voting Pet Peeve

By Angel Thompson Georges

I've got a pet peeve. Well, actually I have a few, but the one that is on my mind is apathy. Apathy, by definition is a lack of feeling, emotion, interest or concern. November 4^th is Election Day! Right wing, left wing, chicken wing, I don't care, Go Vote!

Two things that I have been waiting most of my life for, a woman or a minority on a major party ticket, are happening this year. Amazingly they aren't even on the same one! The last time anything like this happened was back in 1984, long before I was old enough to vote. I was 12 when Walter Mondale selected Geraldine Ferraro to be his running mate. With a novice understanding of the way politics work, I was sure this meant there would be a woman or a minority on the ticket every presidential election thereafter. I never thought I would have to wait five presidential elections before it happened again. People, we are on the verge of a historical election! Who knows when you will get the chance to vote for candidates like these again?! Go participate in a historical event! Go vote!

In 1776 only white men with property had the right to vote (that is unless they were Catholic, Jewish or Quaker). It wasn't until 1856 that the last state dropped the property qualifications. In 1869 the Fifteenth Amendment gave African American men the right to vote, but by 1940 only 3% of African Americans in the south were even registered to vote. In 1882 Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act denying citizenship and voting rights to Chinese Americans. It was finally repealed in 1943, some 60 years later. First generation Japanese Americans had to wait until 1952. It took 72 years of activism between when voting rights for women were proposed in 1848 at the Seneca Falls Woman's Rights Convention, and when the 19^th Amendment was ratified. Despite the passage of the Indian Citizenship Act in 1924, many state laws effectively barred Native Americans from voting until 1948. Chances are somebody had to put up a fight for you to have the right. Honor your foremothers and forefathers. Go vote!

Disillusioned with the political process? Me too. Does my vote make a difference? Does my voice really count? To be honest, I'm not 100% sure it does. What I am sure of is that by fulfilling my responsibility, pulling the curtain and casting my vote, I have done my part and therefore retain my right to complain. If the one I vote for wins, I have a right to hold them accountable. If the other party wins, I have the right to hold them accountable too. And when whoever wins does something I don't like, by having voted, I feel I have earned the right to voice an opinion about it. If history past and in the making aren't enough to overcome apathy, then I implore, just go vote so you'll have better grounds to complain.

Yay Yay Yay Yay

Hey everyone!

It's a sunny fall afternoon and I'm resting on my bed looking out at the gorgeous red and yellow leaves outside my window. I made the mistake of moving a tad bit too fast and my head felt funny so yeah, I guess the margaritas haven't worn off yet. :)

I'm trying to stick by a new policy I have to not be so passive agressively bitchyy in my blogs but I failed again this morning. So yeah, sorry about that. Old habits died hard. I just get pretty pissed off when I'm ignored. Pretty universal but not everyone lashes out on their blog so yeah, I apologize. I've recently seen how high schoolish that sorta thing is and I'll work harder to not do that.

ANYWAY!

A week from today is our reading/performance at Stain that should be really great. I'm super excited about our line up and everyone has such great friends so the audience should be fantastic. After that it's upstate for that part of my "tour" hehe. I've got some pretty sweet events lined up including a lecture, a book signing at my college, and an evening of readings with SLAP (St. Lawrence Area Poets.) There's some fun news that should be coming out of that reading soon including a possible radio interview and some .mp3 clips circulating but I'll tell you more once I'm back in the city and have had a chance to talk with folks. It's all totally up in the air.

Then once I get back it's the Black Rabbit Open, some other random open mics I'm going to stop in and read at (I'll let you guys know the dates soon, I'm deciding where I wanna go but I think I will be popping into to the open that my friend Joe frequents (Hey Joe!) and also the Cornelia. Then it's the Bowery! And at the Bowery I might be getting reviewed by someone from Flavor Pill (again, up in the air!)

So yeah things are lining up well. I'm going to be at a ginormous indie book fair in NYC in December and I'm hosting an evening of dirty, tawdry, and baudy songs and readings at Otto's right before Christmas. So yeah, lots of fun stuff coming up including...

this really great event I'm working with a certain promotion company to put together in Manhattan! A new development today so I'm psyched. That should be happening in the next two months.

I also am setting up dates right now to spend some time in Boston in January and *fingers crossed* I'm hoping to head to Austin in the spring for their Indie Book Expo.

Woooo hooooooo

Much love!

Yes, I'm Ranting

My union is a worthless piece of shit.

Since being in 161 since June, I have been unemployed almost 4.5 months with a short period of employment in the middle that I got myself, no thanks to them. And I'm simply really really really pissed about it.

However I won't think about that because today I'm trying to be positive and not obsess about the fact that I'm broke and still unemployment and feeling like a fucking failure.

That being said -- THANK THANK THANK YOU SO MUCH to my friends who came out last night. The reading was fun and great and I had so much fun and it meant to much to me that you guys came out!

Now back to my feeling negative and ranting :) I totally get if you're busy or don't want to come out -- but ignoring texts and emails is just really rude. It hurts my feelings and it pisses me off. You know who you are.

Happy Day

I just did a run through of my reading for Sunday and it seemed to work perfectly. Around 35 min or so. Just about what I wanted it to be. I just need volunteers to listen to me rehearse? Volunteers???? :)

I think once I get this done with I'll feel more confident and then be ready to line up some more. But yeah, life is going well. Now I just need to fall desperately in love, get my heat turned on, lose a ton of weight, and get a job (and/or book deal) and life wouldbe PERFECT. But I'm alright with today, I'll take it :)

Counting blessings in Brooklyn.....

Lonely Tonight

I lay here and I can hear the fish tank filter and cars off in the distance. Grand Street is dead. I have at least two cats on my legs sleeping and Richie next to my laptop. The only light on in my apartment is the floor lamp next to my bed. I can smell the cat litter from my office and it fills me with more dread than displeasure - another monotonous chore for the morning.

I seriously need to get back to work. This is just absolutely insane. But it's late and I'm tired so I won't think about that and money problems and all that.

It's so easy to beat yourself up when you've got perfect hindsight. Fuck even if I had saved more money there's no way I could be ten weeks into unemployment and not be freaking the hell out. The worst part? I tried to resort to crap jobs just "in the meantime" but so many of them pay less than or as more as unemployment. 100 a day? Seriously? After taxes and metro cards and meals it's as much as unemployment if not less. How the mighty has fallen. I was making nearly 400 a DAY on my last gig. This just all around fucking sucks.

OK but yeah said I wouldn't think about it. Time for bed I guess but I really just want to TALK to someone. But everyone else has lives and isn't up at 2 am.

I need a sugar daddy. Maybe I'll look on Craig's List. lol Eh fuck.

The article from the Gouverneur Tribune!!

Redd's Tavern, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York City, Saturday night, an unlikely chant erupted: "St. Lawrence County – We Represent!" What brought about this proclamation in such an improbable place? It was a book release party for Hermon native Janice Brabaw, for her recently published collection of poetry Universe, Disturbed.

Thanks to a tip from this paper's own Dick Sterling, I was lucky enough to be able to catch up with Janice and learn a bit about her, and how the book came about.

"Growing up in Hermon I always wanted to be a writer or work in TV but it seemed an impossibility." Janice is a graduate of Hermon Dekalb Central School. From there she went on to St. Lawrence University where she graduated from in 2001. "I moved down (to New York City) three weeks after 9/11 and it was an amazing time. The country was about to go to war, we were all worried about further attacks, and every day I'd see posters for missing people or come across candlelight vigils in Union Square. It's kinda cheesy, but it inspired me to really chase after my dream. You never know how long your time on the planet will last."

Janice's optimistic tone is in stark contrast to much of her personal history. "I struggled with depression my entire life but it was during college that it got really bad and I tried to kill myself twice." She told me quite openly. In fact, the majority of the poems included in Universe, Disturbed are from that time in her life.

"When I was compiling Universe, Disturbed I pulled directly from my journals from when I was at my darkest - cutting my arms in my bedroom with a razor, crying myself to sleep at night, recklessly throwing myself into risky situations and being hellbent on self-destruction."

Wondering why Janice would print such intimate details of her life for the entire world to see, I inquired about her intent. "I was diagnosed for the first time at nineteen (with borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorder) and although I feel much better now I still relapse sometimes. Ten years later I think I've gained some perspective that I wish I had when I was nineteen. That I wish I had when I was fourteen! It's those people that are my target audience- teenagers, twenty-somethings… anyone else who is going through that and show them there at better ways to vent your pain and express yourself."

Her hope is to reach the community that surrounds this 'target audience' as well. "I'd like to make parents and the community in general more aware of the warning signs of mental illness. People don't necessarily think of adolescents as being suicide risks but it is at this age that many mental illnesses first present- between 15 and 25, I believe. Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death in elementary children and number three in 15 to 24 years olds. I'm not saying panic and medicate your kids, I'm saying just educate yourself about the signs of depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc the same way you would about drugs, drinking, and other issues."

The book itself is designed to look like a smaller version of a composition book; black with white speckles, with pictures and quotes taped to the face ala junior year. Self depreciatingly subtitled Angry, Angsty, Adolescent Poetry That I Thought Was Super Awesome And Deep At The Time, the cover fits the text. "I wanted to publish this book to show what it's like to be young and depressed. I want to show that it's ok to turn to your journal and just "let it out." Not all of my poetry is good." Janice told me.

When I asked her about why she would publish poems that she so candidly referred to that way she responded; "The funny thing about saying "not all of my poetry is good" is that I think some people assume that it's horrible. It's actually not. I think I was just feeling a bit self-conscious about it because well, I'm not a poet. I'm a fiction and memoir writer." Indeed the excerpt included at the end from her upcoming memoir And Again: A Memoir of a Life Disturbed demonstrates what a fine writer Janice has become.

Like many talented writers, Janice is not yet backed by a major publishing house. Universe, Disturbed is a self published and self promoted work. This is no easy task, but her line up of upcoming readings in NYC shows that she has done her homework. Her schedule includes The Bowery Poetry Club and Otto's Shrunken Head, two of the cities hot spots for up and coming writers. She credits her friends for their support in this venture "I've fallen into an amazing community in Williamsburg (Brooklyn) with great friends who are my second family and who are amazingly generous and supportive of each other in our artistic endeavors."

Don't think that because of this Janice has forgotten those back home. "I think about moving home sometimes because I love and miss my family so much… I love the North Country but it's just not for me at this time in my life. But sometimes, I gotta admit, it's very hard to come back to Brooklyn."

Far from forgetting to look back to where she came from, Janice already has four book related events scheduled for a North Country mini tour November 8^th and 9^th. Her appearances will include The Brewer Bookstore and The Partridge Cafe in Canton, The Field Coffee House in Potsdam and a discussion forum entitled "It Won't Always Be This Way" : A Discussion on Teen Angst, Depression & Journal Therapy at the Gouverneur Library.

If you get the chance, as I did here in NYC, I encourage you to get out to one of these events and meet the amazing woman and author that has evolved from the fragile confused teen that once was.

Gloom

I woke up and despite the sun shining thru my blinds and being surrounded by warm fluffy kitties I just woke up gloomy. I think it's because I woke up to nothing in my inbox but spam and bullshit. No one word on work. I go to all the usual sites and just see nothing. At least I feel less that it's personal. But fuck, times are HARD. I can't remember the last time I went this long being out of work. It's super scary.

I just feel really tired. Overwhelmed. Think I need to switch my meds back to the morning, might help. I just starting blaring "Army of Me" to get me revved up. Nothing inspires you to get your shit together like Bjork threatening to kick your ass. Dude, did you see what she did to that SWAN? Kicked it's ass then worn the shit as a dress! ;)

OK, let's see. What do I need to do today? Shower. Eat. Water plants. Clean litter. Clean fishtank. Gah. Already I'm stressed. :) OK. Gah. Best way to fight loser/pathetic/useless feeling of being broke and unemployed is to be useful right?

Too Lazy To Get My Phone

So I'll blog!

I just had steak with Lawrence at Chimu and I'm like sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
full.

It makes me wanna go to sleep! I feel like I just had a feast and now I'm ready to curl up under my comforter and sleep for days. It's actually kinda icky.

Probably an early night. I watched the Sex and the City movie today and it was th eonly thing that allowed me to break thru this weird fog I've been in for a few days. Now I'm just beat I guess.

I'm just sitting here cuddled up with the kitties watching Heroes and LOVING not thinking. It's sorta awesome.

Mmmm yeah I don't really have anything to say. I wonder if kids who learn to type on computers still automatically double space between sentences or not. It's hard because you're not supposed to but it's just such a habit.

I'm getting cold so I'm gonna crawl on the couch and not do anymore writing or such. LOVE being brainless sometimes!

What Now?

A week from tonight is my first reading and I thought it was in two weeks. So a giant OMG there. :) I basically need to get my shit together tomorrow, figure out what I'm doing, force my friends to sit and listen to me and then somehow get the guts to do it next week. Wowsers. The good thing is that there's a cover so I should be able to earn my drinks at least LOL.

But yeah part of me is really like -- shit, what now? I guess I get together my show and I start trying to get my books into bookstores again. Focus on reviews -- so seriously friends I'm going to start nagging BIG TIME. :) MUAH!

I still feel somehow hungover. It's just an extended dehydration. Should clear by mid-tomorrow. I gotta really follow up on some job leads. It's starting to get PRETTY fucking ridiculous. And I spent a bunch of money this weekend I don't have. I just really hate feeling like such a mooching beggar. My friends are so gracious and lovely and generous and yeah, I don't feel right. Which is stupid because when I'm working I'm the first one to buy for others. I don't accept gifts or compliments well. But perhaps if people keep giving me both I can adjust? LOL

I'm lying in bed with my cats and the heat seems to finally be worked out. Gotta love New York City boilers. One apartment you're freezing the next you gotta throw open the windows (I prefer the latter except in cases where it gets over 100 like it did at 729.) But for now I'm good. My house is clean and my fridge is full and my cats love me and I've got fantastic friends and I met someone new this weekend who is quite intriguing and I was interviewed for a paper and.... yeah.

I'm blessed. I'm happy. But yeah, what now? My goals for this book were to break even (I should by the time I get back from upstate) and to get my name out there. Monetarily it'll work out so I just need to push for reviews and getting them into people's grubby little hands.)

But I can't lose track of my ultimate goal -- to create a name for myself as a writer. So the article I was writing I gotta finish and send out. I gotta get some more interviews. I gotta market myself. I gotta make myself more than I am! haha Because let's face it, I'm just a dorky fat girl who wants to write for a living and spend her days in isolation wandering around her NYC apartment in her robot panties listening to loud music and tripping over cats.

Life from the penthouse is schweeeeeet tonight. Albeit confusing and tired and hungover and chemically a bit boiled and stewed but it'll clear. The weather is cold, the moon is bright, and I spent the best fifteen minutes of my night standing under the stars kissing last night. :) Oops, not supposed to kiss and tell. Ok let's rewrite that and say "twenty minutes spent dry-humping a bike messenger at Second Chance." There. LOL Dude, those bike messengers wear so many silly tools on their belts that you couldn't dry hump them if you wanted to. You'd end up with a mini mag lite up your cooch.

Gah i guess I should sleep but I'm SOOOOOO awake and restless.

I think I'll spend tomorrow morning re-evaluating my goals and game plans and then some serious time editing my memoir. The plan for that is to get it to the point where I'm completely happy with it (note to self, make mother not sound like awful woman she is not) and resend query letters. If all else fails self-publish. But I REALLY don't want to do that unless no one else picks it up. So yeah.

If you haven't picked up my book yet, please do. If you want to read free samples, check out my website JaniceBrabaw.com You can also look inside the book and read it on Amazon! If you're interested in actually sitting down and writing me a review I'd LOVE to send you a free review copy. Just let me know.

Ok I guess I'm going to try to sleep. I spent all weekend feeling like I was on stage and (mostly in my own mind) and now I wanna retreat into myself. I don't know how I feel about myself right now. Not sure about a lot of things. I kinda want a few days to not think about anything. To just be calm and not driven and driving myself crazy with to do lists and worries and shit. Maybe a nice dinner tomorrow night with friends where we do everything but talk about me and my life?

Someone's stuck a spoon in my stew and stirred me all the fuck about. Many spoons, much stirring. Fucking beaters. IN my brain. haha.

Any question of my insanity? lol

Amendment

The other day I was irritated because of a bunch of my friends hadn't bought my book yet. One person in particular didn't seem to grasp why it was an issue. This person thought that I was mad because my friends weren't giving me "twelve dollars." No, that's not it at all.

You see, on Amazon the more books you sell the more Amazon requests of you to sell. The more books they order, your number drops (from like 1,000,000th best selling book to like 999,999. As that happens and as you get reviews (which I keep begging for pathetically and desperately haha), the more Amazon recommends your book to OTHER customers. So essentially it's on the backs of people I know and love that I begin to build a fanbase and a foundation of readers. So its' less about the "twelve dollars" and more about helping me get the numbers I need to get recommended to NEW readers who don't know me.

Just wanted to clear that up.

A Very Unproductive and Uneventful Day

Not a whole lot going on today. I was all hung over from having drinks with Meghan last night. And what a night it was. Let's see. There was the Croatian soldier talking about how he thinks his grandfather was some sort of werewolf. A pothead bike messenger sharing a theory on how "these people" believe that people on earth are the crazy rejects from other alien's planets. Then the creme de la creme -- a drunken/stoned/insane middle aged man on crutches standing on the corner of Manhattan and Grand beating a drainage pipe on a bodega with his crutch screaming. It was like 3 am and this guy was relentless. Some poor guys were yelling down to him to stop it and the bodega owner and the sandwich guy were all like "hey, move along!" Meghan piped up and told him to cut it out and he started banging on a mailbox screaming "well then let's go then! C'mon.... C'mon!!!" It was bizarre.

Anyway, for all of you who were on the fence about my book release party Saturday night, I'd really appreciate if you could make an extra effort to come out because I have a reporter from a newspaper coming and I'm having nightmares of him coming and it's just me with a pile of books sorta shrugging like "I don't know where everyone went!"

So yeah do that if you could. And books will be 30% off. And I'll show my tits or something. Gotta become a famous (or infamous) writer somehow.

Is it Me?

I'm a freelancer. I've been a freelancer for years. It has its ups and downs. I'm used to unemployment. But this is starting to really freaking scare me.

I have now been out of work four out of the past 5 months. What the HELL.

I read Mandy everyday. I call my union everyday. I get a listing once a week of all the tv and movies going on in NY. I apply to them all. I read Emily Rice like it's the bible. (If you're not production accountants, just know this is where we get gigs.)

I wrote all of my former employers and tried to casually and in a friendly manner beg for jobs without sounding pathetic. It's a hard line to straddle, trust me. That was months ago. Do I do it again? Am I just going to sound even more pathetic and desperate?

And like I've said before, I'm a very paranoid person. A former key, whom I won't mention by name, started me into accounting. Now she doesn't respond to my emails. At all. Even though I worked with her the longest I'm afraid to give her name as a reference. I cannot think for the LIFE of me what she could possibly be pissed at me about. We parted on fantastic terms and she helped me get jobs after. Then she just... stopped.

So now I'm like.... in part of my head.... like is there some sort of talking in the business I don't know about? Are people saying I suck? Do I suck? Am I wasting my time? I know I'm not perfect but I work REALLY hard.

And I keep telling myself it can't be me. I've had interviews. I interviewed for Rachel Ray last week (didn't get it), I interviewed for an HBO show (didn't get it.) I did well in both interviews... I am at a loss. A complete loss. But then again one of my keys has been having trouble finding work too. As far as I know she's been up for two shows and didn't get it. Maybe work IS slow and competition is stiff? I dunno. I call my union and the lady I talk to always sounds confused that I'm not working. Makes me feel really stupid. They're fucking worthless.

So.... I mean.. is it me? Am I so horrible at my job and I don't know it? I mean it doesn't SEEM possible. My last two keys liked me and gave me great recommendations. One has called me twice about work since and nothing came through. But how come I keep hearing about my new PA and coordinator friends landing new gigs all the time.

I think -- and I know this sounds corny, but it's the romantic/Taoist/fate-ist in me -- that I'm not working right now because if I were working there is just no way I'd get all that I've gotten done done. But FUCK man. I keep hearing constantly how the economy is just going to keep getting worse and today I hung out with not one but THREE friends who are un or under employed. That's not even counting the -- count' em -- three others I usually hang out with. It's getting downright depressing. Frankly, I'm scared.

I'm mad because I pay dues to a worthless union and I'm mad that I've worked so hard in this stupid industry for so long and still it really likes to kick me in my teeth sometimes. And just when I think it's not what I'm supposed to be doing a job comes along. But GOD. The economy is tanking and my credit cards are maxed out and I'm having success in everyway but monetarily. This is not the time to be unemployed.

What the FUCK are we gonna do? Remember last year my unemployment ran outand I had to go a month with no income at ALL? I barely made my rent -- and it was HALF as much as my rent now. Morale is low. We are scared. I guess there's nothing I can do but keep working as hard as I have been and say well, fuck 'em.

Hell I'd settle for an office PA gig or accounting clerk job at this point. Too bad I can't seem to find any listings anywhere.

Worn the Fuck Out haha

Well today my friend Eric and I papered another third of Williamsburg. Tomorrow or the day after I need to do 15 places I somehow missed. I'm worn out! But today was fun and I finalized my itinerary for upstate, sent off the flyers up for my niece to paper the county with, and am THISCLOSE to setting up a regular open mic night at the cafe next to my house. This is SOOOOO exciting and great.

I also got gigs at Otto's and Perch.

I'm worn out and going to eat some dinner and go to bed.

Exciting Updates

Sooooooooo

I'm happy to say that Amazon just emailed me and told my books have just about sold out again so I need to send them another shipment. Fucking awesome. I also am currently being reviewed by a couple of magazines in the city and I'm in talks with a indie market distributor. Things are good.

Man, the whole economy and my friends and me being out of work and things really have been getting to me lately. Makes everything seem worse than it is! I was pretty down this weekend but feeling so much more positive and radiant today. Lawrence and I papered Williamsburg with photos (well half, the other half tomorrow.)

Tired! I'm going to send some more emails and go edit. Thank you all for your continued support! It's very humbling and sweet. I promise to get through my inboxes in the next day or so!

Jbrabs

The Tree Outside My Window

The leaves on the tree outside my window are starting to turn this really beautiful red color. Whenever I sit at my desk in my office (which is so rare, I'm lame) I always think how gorgeous that tree is. Makes me feel less like I like in some sort of concrete mad-land. I realize I'm home sick. I'm excited to be going home next month.

My moods have calmed. The tide is out and I'm walking along the shore of my mind kicking at broken glass and stabbing the dead jelly fish with shells. This is how it feels after a storm, after the chemicals whirl and tear and roar. I tiptoe along the sand trying not to cut my feet or get stung. Into a plastic bag all of the trash goes. Then into the trash. I stare out at sea and hope that the boats further out, past my eye, past the horizon, have fared well. Sometimes I worry that they don't get the advance notice from the weather bureau out there but then I try to remember that it sometimes in the midst of the storm, in the slap of the sudden grey waters, is when you're the most aware. Just perhaps not the most prepared with the lack of dry land, steadier footing, inland breezes free of salt and rage.

"It's Complicated"

I've been getting a lot of questions about my supposedly mysterious dating status. I guess most people use "it's complicated" when they're between other statuses. In the murky area. I'm using it because well, I'm not really on the market and whenever you say you're single .... I dunno. Like it says, it's complicated.

If the right guy comes along, I'll be so excited. But until then I'm just trying to focus on my own life and getting my head on straight. I spent so much of my life basing my worth by whether or not I had a man in my life. If I was rejected romantically it meant I was a bad person and well then the whole bad thing would start over again. So I'm just not LOOKING. But if someone wonderful came into my life I'd be open to dating him.

That being said, I am bad at rejection. I am learning to deal with it. And I'm super vulnerable right now. I went out with this guy a month ago I actually liked then he just sorta... disappeared. And it hurt. It shouldn't have but it did. I also am still a bit wounded from my break up in February. I was very in love with him and it takes a while to get over having someone you care abotu that much hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to open up again and allow myself to love and trust as much. I get scared because I know I"ll need coaxing. What if no one is ever patient enough? What if no one ever thinks I'm worth that?

That being said, I made a deal to be celibate for a year. Doesn't mean I can't meet someone and date and have sex with them. Just that I refuse to let myself be "boy crazy." I am going to take things slow and build a foundation.

Ugh. So "complicated", yes?

I should add

that I missed my Celexa last night, that I had four drinks last night, and that I have PMS.

Which means I can't stop my wildly swinging emotions and my desire to eat EVERYTHING. Which adds to more blues.

I also feel like a giant failure in my life. But oh well. We can't all be insanely successful, amazingly beautiful and together, or blessed in love. Some of us are just insane, amazing, and blessed. Just not perhaps in the ways that we'd like.

Nothing you can do. Keep trying, blitzkrieg the hell out of the world, then sit back and stoke the fire. And if the fire doesn't rage, that's just the way it goes.

So I'm stoking right now.

Frustrating.

I've had so many amazing emails and good wishes from people so excited about my book. And I can't tell you how much I really, really appreciate them all. And I don't wanna sound like a jerk, but why aren't any of these people buying my book? haha

I get that it's poetry. Not everyone likes poetry. I get that it's niche-y. Not every like this niche. Not everyone likes profanity and depressing subjects (I never anticipated sales to the older community or super conservative.) I get that it's even a tough time economically. Totally get it. I get it because - ha! - I've been unemployed for two months. A total of FIVE months this year already. I get it more than a lot of people.

But if people are going to take the time to write me and say - hey that's amazing! It's a dream come true for you! Then why don't they take the time and twelve bucks and help me to continue to pursue a career in writing without you know, starving? lol

It's so amazingly frustrating. I mean on one hand, I don't want to pressure my friends and people I know. On the other, it's not that much money. (And when i think of the books I've bought by other friends, their cds, their cover charges to see their shows.....) Yeah I woke up on the bitter and bitchy side of the bed.

I was thinking --- that other than one of my friends I talk to online -- NONE of my buddy list has bought my book yet. And I'm thinking that most are waiting til an event (to save on shipping) but ugh.... I'm getting really nervous here. The sale of my books to my friends and family and colleagues was supposed to do help me pay rent this month. I thought that it'd be a no -brainer. And now I'm looking toward November and thinking shit, I might need to get another credit card just to eat.

Not to say that it's my friends and family responsibility to feed me or to blind buy things just because but.... I dunno. just a whole lotta talk and not a whole lotta walk. Not a whole of actual support yet. And I'm hurt.

I'm working SO hard to get myself established. That was the purpose of this book. To get my name out there. To sell some books, to get my name out, to get my WORDS in people's HANDS.

And so far... my god.

Next week is my book release party. I guess we'll see then. I hate myself. I don't want to be this bitter and frustrated. I know it's a marathon not a sprint.... but I just can't believe the people that haven't supported me yet.

And of course, I do know, that this is the BPD speaking. So sensitive to rejection. So black and white about feelings toward people. But this morning I just can't help it. So I'm writing it all out here, spitting it out into the world like phlegm, to get rid of the pain and frustration and doubt and frustration.

Pa-tooie!

Been thinking....

And WOW, you're an asshole.

You make it easy to fall out of love with you.

You make it easy to say goodbye.

You make it hard for me to ever want to try again.

You make me sit in awe at how cold you have become.

You make me wonder how I could have wasted so much time and never knew it'd be in vain.

Catching Up

Hey everyone!

I've been really freaking busy lately. I now have five dates lined up for readings/performances/signings with three more tentative dates I'm hoping to firm up today. It's a bit of a whirlwind. Every date means promotion, promotion, promotion. Designing posters, advertising. When you need to do that times five it's a bit much. I spent all day yesterday sending out press releases to all the media in upstate and the city. So hopefully soon you'll be seeing so much of my face you'll be screaming NO NOT HER! HAVE MERCY!

I interviewed for Rachael Ray but haven't heard back yet. I need a job but at the same time I'm having such a good time working on the book that it's like eh, as long as book sales pick up enough in the next month I can go a bit longer workingin my panties in my living room.

A week from this Saturday is my book release party. It is going to be super fun! I'll be signing copies at the party and spending the night just enjoying myself and celebrating the fruit of my endeavors. Or something like that. Mostly getting drunk and explaining what things are about probably.

So today I need to get up and get dressed and head out handing out post cards about the party. Posters should be finalized next week. Next week is about following up on press and sending out review copies. Following up on requests to read. I also need to go to a few open mic's just to get some practice. Anyone wanna come with me?

Otherwise I'm drowning in a pile of emails I haven't had a chance to respond to!

If anyone is interested in writing a review for me, I'd love to send you a review copy for free. Of if you already bought it (thanks, I'm poor! haha) I'd love if you could take a few minutes to write a review for me on Amazon. It really does make a difference.

Talk to you soon and hope to see you guys soon at my events!

Janice

Home Early

Hey everyone!

It's 11:30 and I'm home early from the bar. I somehow ended up at Redd's (my usual bar down the street) and although it was fun, I just kinda got tired and came home. I've been trying to save money and save calories and avoid the crash the day after drinking so three drinks has been my limit lately.

So here I am and I'm tired and sprawled on the couch watch this South Park marathon before I head to bed.

Just was thinking about how fucking awesome my friends are tonight. I'm really freaking blessed. I'm a lucky girl. And even if times are a bit difficult right now monetarily, I'm really happy and excited about my life. It's a great time to be alive and I somehow have fallen into a life, into a community, into a family that is absolutely amazing. If I truly deserve these people in my life (as they seem to think I do) then I must be a decent person myself :)

I love my life. I am feeling completely in love with my life. I do, of course, hope to meet someone I can share all this with. But I'm willing to wait. All good things come in time. What is meant for thee will gravitate to thee. :)

Thanks everyone. I'm going to head to bed now and count my blessings. :)

Mistakes I've Made

I keep kicking myself in the ass for 'em but maybe if I admit them aloud people can absolve me by telling me I'm not a complete idiot? ha Please?

Ok.

I blew my money I made on Without A Trace. I hadn't worked in two months and I was desperate to pay off bills and get things I needed. Apparently that included a lot of expensive meals and nights drinking and clothes. Damnit. I thought I was getting this gig right after and then it fell through and I hadn't saved a damn thing. Lesson learned.

I spent WAY too much money on my niece and nephew coming to visit. Sorry, Cort and Log but so true! Yikes. Next time you're paying for your own freak show tickets, free loaders :)

I didn't take my time prepping my book. And because of that there are some typos in the book I can't erase. Also, I was in such a hurry to get it done that I didn't put any thought into the actual compilation and ruined a perfectly good chance to tell a story with my works. The book would've been stronger and it wouldn't feel so scattered. Fuck.

Also, I threw the whole thing together so fast that I found two small mistakes on the cover (easily fixed, no one would know unless I pointed it out) and messed up the barcode. A costly mistake. And now I'm having issues with Amazon because of it. So that's a work and fight in progress.

I should've waited until Amazon had their books and the website was completely finished to begin advertising. I was just so excited!

Mmm. I'm sure there's others. But those are the ones that are really getting under my skin right now. All due to impulsivity, really. Pattern, much?

Good News

If only I could freaking sleep.

I just landed the Bowery Poetry Club. YAY! THE place for poetry in New York City. We're working out the details but I think that I'm going to be doing a performance there in November. Save the date for November 23rd!

In the meantime, I'm going to contact Stain Bar in Williamsburg tomorrow about doing my initial book launch there. Redds is near and dear to my heart but probably not so conducive to a poetry reading. But who knows? I don't want to read TOO much as I'm doing the BPC and it's just to let people know I have a book out and get them to pick up a copy more or less. Something to think about.

Things are going freaking awesomely.

Now if I could just land my ass a real life job to pay the damn bills haha

Not in Stock - Sold Out

Oh Amazon, the bane of my existence.

They underestimated me! They only asked for one book to keep in stock and whamo! They're sold out and the orders are backing up. Only they are RETARDED and won't tell me how many are on backorder. So I send them one book tomorrow and then they get it and then they'll sell it and then be like oh wait, I need more. So they're essentially backing up the entire process.

So the best thing to do? Please buy the book thru me until they get their shit together.

:)