"It's Complicated"

I've been getting a lot of questions about my supposedly mysterious dating status. I guess most people use "it's complicated" when they're between other statuses. In the murky area. I'm using it because well, I'm not really on the market and whenever you say you're single .... I dunno. Like it says, it's complicated.

If the right guy comes along, I'll be so excited. But until then I'm just trying to focus on my own life and getting my head on straight. I spent so much of my life basing my worth by whether or not I had a man in my life. If I was rejected romantically it meant I was a bad person and well then the whole bad thing would start over again. So I'm just not LOOKING. But if someone wonderful came into my life I'd be open to dating him.

That being said, I am bad at rejection. I am learning to deal with it. And I'm super vulnerable right now. I went out with this guy a month ago I actually liked then he just sorta... disappeared. And it hurt. It shouldn't have but it did. I also am still a bit wounded from my break up in February. I was very in love with him and it takes a while to get over having someone you care abotu that much hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to open up again and allow myself to love and trust as much. I get scared because I know I"ll need coaxing. What if no one is ever patient enough? What if no one ever thinks I'm worth that?

That being said, I made a deal to be celibate for a year. Doesn't mean I can't meet someone and date and have sex with them. Just that I refuse to let myself be "boy crazy." I am going to take things slow and build a foundation.

Ugh. So "complicated", yes?