Is it Me?

I'm a freelancer. I've been a freelancer for years. It has its ups and downs. I'm used to unemployment. But this is starting to really freaking scare me.

I have now been out of work four out of the past 5 months. What the HELL.

I read Mandy everyday. I call my union everyday. I get a listing once a week of all the tv and movies going on in NY. I apply to them all. I read Emily Rice like it's the bible. (If you're not production accountants, just know this is where we get gigs.)

I wrote all of my former employers and tried to casually and in a friendly manner beg for jobs without sounding pathetic. It's a hard line to straddle, trust me. That was months ago. Do I do it again? Am I just going to sound even more pathetic and desperate?

And like I've said before, I'm a very paranoid person. A former key, whom I won't mention by name, started me into accounting. Now she doesn't respond to my emails. At all. Even though I worked with her the longest I'm afraid to give her name as a reference. I cannot think for the LIFE of me what she could possibly be pissed at me about. We parted on fantastic terms and she helped me get jobs after. Then she just... stopped.

So now I'm like.... in part of my head.... like is there some sort of talking in the business I don't know about? Are people saying I suck? Do I suck? Am I wasting my time? I know I'm not perfect but I work REALLY hard.

And I keep telling myself it can't be me. I've had interviews. I interviewed for Rachel Ray last week (didn't get it), I interviewed for an HBO show (didn't get it.) I did well in both interviews... I am at a loss. A complete loss. But then again one of my keys has been having trouble finding work too. As far as I know she's been up for two shows and didn't get it. Maybe work IS slow and competition is stiff? I dunno. I call my union and the lady I talk to always sounds confused that I'm not working. Makes me feel really stupid. They're fucking worthless.

So.... I mean.. is it me? Am I so horrible at my job and I don't know it? I mean it doesn't SEEM possible. My last two keys liked me and gave me great recommendations. One has called me twice about work since and nothing came through. But how come I keep hearing about my new PA and coordinator friends landing new gigs all the time.

I think -- and I know this sounds corny, but it's the romantic/Taoist/fate-ist in me -- that I'm not working right now because if I were working there is just no way I'd get all that I've gotten done done. But FUCK man. I keep hearing constantly how the economy is just going to keep getting worse and today I hung out with not one but THREE friends who are un or under employed. That's not even counting the -- count' em -- three others I usually hang out with. It's getting downright depressing. Frankly, I'm scared.

I'm mad because I pay dues to a worthless union and I'm mad that I've worked so hard in this stupid industry for so long and still it really likes to kick me in my teeth sometimes. And just when I think it's not what I'm supposed to be doing a job comes along. But GOD. The economy is tanking and my credit cards are maxed out and I'm having success in everyway but monetarily. This is not the time to be unemployed.

What the FUCK are we gonna do? Remember last year my unemployment ran outand I had to go a month with no income at ALL? I barely made my rent -- and it was HALF as much as my rent now. Morale is low. We are scared. I guess there's nothing I can do but keep working as hard as I have been and say well, fuck 'em.

Hell I'd settle for an office PA gig or accounting clerk job at this point. Too bad I can't seem to find any listings anywhere.