Frustrating.

I've had so many amazing emails and good wishes from people so excited about my book. And I can't tell you how much I really, really appreciate them all. And I don't wanna sound like a jerk, but why aren't any of these people buying my book? haha

I get that it's poetry. Not everyone likes poetry. I get that it's niche-y. Not every like this niche. Not everyone likes profanity and depressing subjects (I never anticipated sales to the older community or super conservative.) I get that it's even a tough time economically. Totally get it. I get it because - ha! - I've been unemployed for two months. A total of FIVE months this year already. I get it more than a lot of people.

But if people are going to take the time to write me and say - hey that's amazing! It's a dream come true for you! Then why don't they take the time and twelve bucks and help me to continue to pursue a career in writing without you know, starving? lol

It's so amazingly frustrating. I mean on one hand, I don't want to pressure my friends and people I know. On the other, it's not that much money. (And when i think of the books I've bought by other friends, their cds, their cover charges to see their shows.....) Yeah I woke up on the bitter and bitchy side of the bed.

I was thinking --- that other than one of my friends I talk to online -- NONE of my buddy list has bought my book yet. And I'm thinking that most are waiting til an event (to save on shipping) but ugh.... I'm getting really nervous here. The sale of my books to my friends and family and colleagues was supposed to do help me pay rent this month. I thought that it'd be a no -brainer. And now I'm looking toward November and thinking shit, I might need to get another credit card just to eat.

Not to say that it's my friends and family responsibility to feed me or to blind buy things just because but.... I dunno. just a whole lotta talk and not a whole lotta walk. Not a whole of actual support yet. And I'm hurt.

I'm working SO hard to get myself established. That was the purpose of this book. To get my name out there. To sell some books, to get my name out, to get my WORDS in people's HANDS.

And so far... my god.

Next week is my book release party. I guess we'll see then. I hate myself. I don't want to be this bitter and frustrated. I know it's a marathon not a sprint.... but I just can't believe the people that haven't supported me yet.

And of course, I do know, that this is the BPD speaking. So sensitive to rejection. So black and white about feelings toward people. But this morning I just can't help it. So I'm writing it all out here, spitting it out into the world like phlegm, to get rid of the pain and frustration and doubt and frustration.

Pa-tooie!