Mixed Blessings

I absolutely am quite aware of the fact that I am a blessed soul. Even when I'm whiny and depressed and freaking out, I do know this on a very basic level. I have this amazing family and quite possibly the best set of friends EVER :) I live in a fun neighborhood, I have a huge apartment, and I get to live with three little panthers that warm my heart everyday. I have my health. Mostly. I live in the time of hi-speed internet and DVR's which is AWESOME for someone as couch potato-y as me :) However, I just gotta say that I am really fucking sick of getting kicked in the teeth by life right now.

Not to say that I feel entitled somehow to have things easier. I struggle with that, I know none of us do. I try to focus on what I can fix and what I can't and work on aspects of my life that need some help. No, this isn't about simply wasting my time and energy feel sorry for myself. This is a simple blog post to say to the powers that be "what the FUCK?"

This is the longest I've ever been unemployed. Over three months. Working on four. I blew my savings long ago and have maxed out my credit cards. Not from crazy spending but just to eat and live and pay bills. I can't pay my rent. I don't know how to tell my landlord this and I'm pretty scared about that. I like my apartment and I don't want to end up in court or getting evicted or thrown out on the street. I'm petrified because I know that if I lose this foothold - my apartment - it is SO hard to leave and come back. It breaks my heart. It really does. I turned 30 and I just feel this level of patheticness. As simple as I CANNOT PAY MY RENT. I am a court order and the good graces from being out on the street. Oh and the best part? The reason I can't pay my rent? Unemployment fucked me over. It's been two weeks and I haven't received any money from them. I have to go to the bank today to deposit some money I had to borrow from my parents and hope it clears by the time the check I need to give my landlord clears. Rent Russian Roulette. And when it does clear and after I pay some bills -- I have NOTHING left. It's depressing.

I keep thinking about how I was hired on a job and someone I thought was a friend purposely worked to take the job away from me. It's really hard not to be bitter. It really, really is.

But I'm working and I'm trying. PImping out my book and the new anthology. I am WORKING for the money I make. But man, it is so hard. It is so very very very hard.

On my living room table is a pile of bills I can't pay. Including my union dues. I'ma fraid to contact me health insurance because seeing I haven't worked all this time.

Ugh I just wanna go back to bed. Just realized I've worked 2 out of the past 8 months.