The Man I Will Marry (draft)

i am stealing again
I am wheeling again.
I just might as well fly
Sprout wings and yes I might
as well just fly
There's nothing else to do
paint my desires on strangers
a dollar and a dream
ice cream and torn seams
close my eyes and
in the moment of disclosure
in the face of disclaimers
in the moment of enclosure
I threaten the sturdy gates within
russian nestled dolls
that take all night to lay out
to find them empty by morn

cracker jack, no prize
no 6 am stroll to tiffany's
no crossiant crumbs
no perfect black dress
and I, well, I am no
Audrey Hepburn
in this age of
wham, bam, fuck ya later, ma'am

no symbolic cigarette smoke
can rival the crass
brass, worthless ass
that I have become

everything I pack, they spill
sugar deafens as it falls
and I wonder why I can't be content
in my existence, in my modular
chemistry, in my young and baffled
amazingly surprised sunset-sweetened
mouth
oh so pretty mouth, little girl
dimples and all
oh such a sweet pretty mouth, Jay girl
you look all empty inside
down that deep dark throat
let's fill that void right up

or maybe it's just 1986 again
maybe I'm seven years old and maybe
I can jump the furthest in gym class
just once
yes maybe just once I can jump the furthest
in gym class
yes maybe
I know my place in line
it's right behind
you
just where I want to be
close but out of peripherial vision

I can taste your Suave shampoo
I imagine backflips
your chaplips
in the clubhouse near the cemetary
in that town whose name means
cursed
in that town with the devil's elbow
in that town where I was born

I'll hum for you, boy
I'll patiently descend
I can wrap around your feet
like the warmest of dogs
and again
yes again

I can be seven again
and you can be my first grade crush
only this time
in the tandem present
perhaps you can love me
not kick me off the kick ball team
yes maybe in this re-touched memory
you can be taller and older
and I can be thinner and prettier
and then
then maybe then it can be my love life
redux
and you, him, whomever you are
can love me this time, too

there are nights
and there are cities
where the air gets soft
and the corner gets still
I can imagine being down there
Running, running wild
Yellow double line
Run until I can't breathe
Run until I find grass
Run until I find stars
Run until I throw my arms
around the whole goddamn world
and in these moments
in these Brooklyn fantasies
in the brief moments between green lights
in the lapses of quiet
I want a hand to hold
A smile to help me keep pace
Someone to stop me from being mugged
And pick me up when I trip
Trip, faint, falter, find
but never fall

This is the man I will marry
the man of skinned knees
and bicycle helmets
This is the man i will marry
the man of star-spinning
and midnight pizza

at least maybe this time
at least maybe sometime for real
maybe
just maybe