Note to self

It's important to realize that it's not so much that people don't like me or care about me as much as I do them, it's that they don't have this overpowering, overwhelming NEED. They probably like me as much, probably care as much, but don't need me as much.

And considering I am so needy, it doesn't signify that they don't care or don't want me. It's jut that they are in a healthier place than I am right now.

And this does not in any away affect who I am or my worth or if I'm "loveable" or "likeable."

I've dated people who were needy and it's no fun. It's hard enough to center yourself in this life nonetheless be a full-time centering force for someone else.

I am just thinking about all the ways that I self-sabotage my own life and relationships. Having lots of epiphanies.

I feel out of control of my life. I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure careerwise. I feel like a failure relationship wise. I think it's one thing to allow life to take you where it may, to trust in the infinite wisdom and love of the universe, but it's another altogether to not even pick any sort of direction. This is the only life I have and I need to step it up and realize what I want and work toward those goals.

I feel a very intense LACK in my life which is insane when I live such a lush, abundant life. I need to step back and spend some time in the sun. I am a creature that needs to be dragged out into the day sometimes. I am such an existentialist, a romantic, a melancholy emotional little dreamer. I am sensitive and vulnerable. I am constantly in this process of losing and regaining my balance. I am so hard on myself for making the same mistakes over and over. I get so angry with myself for it. I can forgive anyone almost anything but myself. I don't own my feelings, I feel ashamed of them. I don't own my needs, I feel they have no validity. No temperance.

I keep thinking of this Alanis song:

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

But at the base of it, at the very center, I feel beautiful and wise and gifted and loved and BRILLIANTLY WONDERFUL. :) I lose track of it.

I look back at how far I've come since I was 19. Since I was wailing at the world. Since I was screaming and so in hate with myself that I tried to destroy myself over and over again. But the fact that I have grown is no excuse when I am due for another growth spurt.

So here I am. Thirty. And trying to understand that everything outside of myself, as wonderful and meaningful and blessed, is arbitrary. That everything outside of me is just icing on this cake that I have baking inside for years. Failed, of course. But learning. :) But you know what? I'm not a simple Betty Crocker mix! I am like... a luscious and rich velvet layer cake with a molten, thickly creamy center! And it takes time to get it just right.

I like that metaphor. I am going to work on my recipe for awhile. I give people tastes. Sometimes whole servings. And someday I will fall madly in love with someone who will wait patiently for the cake to be ready. And we'll enjoy it together with mouthfuls of yummy goodness haha. And frosting on our lips! But for now. Yeah. I'm not ready for the committment and love that I want. Even if Mr. Right showed up at my door THIS MOMENT I'd fuck it up.

And thus why James is smart. Go slow. Work on your recipe. It's instinct. Relationships, like cooking, is an art, not a science. It seems like I should know this.

Falling in love is an art. One that is be tried and failed at and perfected.

I am going to go out into the world and fall back in love with my foibles and imperfections. Hopefully someone else will, too. but I can't control that. I can only keep on my path. If someone comes along that decides they'd like to walk with me again (or still), I'll welcome them. But only if they like chocolate cake :)