to softness

you mistook my devotion
as a betrayal of myself
but perhaps it was only a surrender
to softness

you trembled when I said "you only"
as if I was trying to steal in the night
the lit and dark of the depths in you
as if I was trying to rape and plunder
the very breath inside your lung

I saw your vulnerable and your blue
you built walls of ice and said
look here baby, you can see right in
but as I kissed and touched and
grew red and frostbit and oh so
insecure in my ability to melt
and drink the essence
when I said
look here baby, I need a little help
I don't think that I
can ever be enough
if I stay sane, if I fall to crazy
or just reject the validity
of everything I knew I needed
and you would not give
not even lend

I refuse to question
the ripeness
the rightness
the glory and tartness
the sweet and the saintly
of my simple and complex
my precious and rare
adoration
fireworks
you ignore
you bruise
you refuse to accept
despite given
with only the pretense
of strings
hypercolor
they only appear
when in question
when in doubt
of worthiness

but you were
honey
but you were
something to believe in
but you were
appreciated and adored
but you were.

these are the reasons I call your name
why I try beyond all reason
to scatter and settle and start over
in the hours we first exhaled
side by side
possibility on our tongues
when we awoke
when we tried
when we held each other safe and cherished
if not yet loved
if not yet loved

if not ever loved
potential energy
kinetic motion

neither created nor destroyed
bubbly shifting tao
the gurgle in my heart
the heat of my hands
where does it go
when the other side of my bed
becomes so cold