my chemistry

It's my thirtieth birthday and I can't stop crying.

Not to many these things go hand in hand. And I thought that's all it was.

The fact is - there is something else going on.

I stopped crying long enough to form one logical thought. Buried deep beneath the feelings and tears a little voice whispered, "I think this might be the meds."

About ten days ago I decided to begin weening myself off of my Celexa, an anti-depressant, because I've gained so much weight and I never have any energy. I was so happy because I hadn't had any side effects during withdrawal - which are sometimes hellish. A year or so ago there was an unintentional break in my Paxil regimend and I went into full withdrawal which was just about the worst thing I've ever gone through. We're talking full out psychotic paranoia, suicidal thoughts, insane mood swings, electrical "shocks" in my brain and throughout my body, feeling like I was underwater--- just HORRIBLE. It was so bad that I couldn't control my emotions or impulses and my ex called 911 and they dragged me to the hospital. It takes sometimes up to a month or two to even out after such an episode -- and in the middle of recooperating my ex dumped me. A bit off topic, but anyway, withdrawal is HELL.

So I haven't had any of that. Actually I've felt lighter, more energetic, more like myself. Just all around healthier. Then.... well. It's all fuzzy.

I wanted off these pills so I could get a "baseline" of my temper and moods. I wanted to get all the pills out and start fresh. I wanted to detox myself from all the chemicals and start to deal with my anxiety and depression on a more homeopathic level. Supplments, herbs, yoga, natural stress and depression treatments. Only now.... man my head feels like a big ball of playdough that's been on the floor. It's covered with dirt and cat hair and crumbs.

I've stopped crying because I got scared. I'm writing because if I don't get these thoughts out I'll never feel clear. I need to feel clear.

What I hate about depression and anxiety is you're always wondering what is causing what. That's why I wanted a baseline. I'm always wondering if my problems are caused by drinking, by PMS, or malnutrition, or simply by outside stressors. I drive myself crazy trying to figure out just WHAT is bugging me.

I'm trying to breathe deep and I turned off the sad music I was listening to. I am trying to breathe through bad feelings and thoughts. I'm putting myself down for feeling this way. I'm telling myself that I'm fucked up and that no one will ever love me. There is this side of me that really, really hates me. You know what I'm talking about. Well right now that voice is so loud in my head (not literally, I'm not schizo). She's telling me that I should just hide from the world because I'm so disgusting and stupid and weak. She's the voice that makes me feel so badly. She is critical and she is always telling me how my friends and family don't really like me. How I suck at my job. How I'm a failure. How I'm a waste of life.

She's telling me how people don't really care about me. They're just polite. This is a big argument she makes whenever I'm sad. She says that people are only telling me happy birthday to be polite. She says that if I hadn't thrown myself a party no one would have wanted to do anything for me. You should hear the things she whispers about when Im dating someone. She makes it almost impossible to trust in anyway or anything.

I am breathing through these negative feelings. I feel bad for needing reassurance from people. I should just know that people love me and care without them having to keep telling me. I shouldn't take any perceived rejection so hard. A phone call that goes to voicemail is someone ignoring me and not wanting anything to do with me. I can't even begin to try to dissect the feelings I have today about James being in LA. And the feelings and terror I have for feeling that way to begin with.

I don't know if I feel the way I do today because it's my birthday and I'm sensitive. I don't know if it's because of a withdrawal symptom. I don't know if it's because I need more medication (or another alternative.) I don't know if it's because James isn't here and it hurts. I don't know WHY I am bawling my eyes out. Because I don't know why, I'm not sure what to do about it.

What I want in my life, above all things, is to be able to feel my true feelings and be my true self. I want to find the core of me. I want to strip away the chemicals, like stripping paint off hardwood. I want to get to the very essennce and nature that is Janice and be able to feel my emotions without guilt or fear or shame. I am ruled by fear and shame. It makes me so sad.

I don't know how to be in the moment. I want so badly to just be myself. I have no confidence that that is good enough. I realize that a lot of my friends don't ever talk about bad things. They pretend they don't exist. My family did the same thing. Is that the key to happiness? I'd rather someone tell me when they're mad at me then be constantly paranoid that they are and they aren't telling me.

I have someone really special in my life that doesn't talk to me. The more I realize he's not letting me in the more paranoid and scared I am. I don't know how to trust him. I don't know how to give him my heart. I dont' even know if he wants it or not.

I give my heart to people whole-heartedly (no pun intended). I don't know how to do less. I read these books telling me to be smart, to hide things, to keep things inside. I don't know how. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am too intense. I am trying to teach myself not to say or do things that feel natural. I am trying to teach myself to keep my thoughts inside. It's making me depressed and scared. I cry a lot. I do. Lately. I wonder if I should just run. I need signs that I should stay. They come but I am so sensitive, I am so afraid of getting hurt, that every little imperfection feels like a slap. I am tiring myself out from searching for cracks.

It was so beautiful at first. I felt I had finally met someone that I could completely be myself with and I was so safe and wanted and appreciated. And now I feel that I have to walk on egg shells. I'm becoming less and less me. I am trying to contort myself into what I think he might want. Or what someone or some book says I should be.

Society doesn't give much credit to the sensitive and emotional. We are talked down to, we are told we're crazy or we're immature. I fight a constant struggle to balance. I wish that I could accept myself for how I am. Some people are more in touch with their inner tides. I get swept away. I have to learn to control my gifts. Like the mythical empaths that must reign in their powers or they'd risk going insane.

Is the way I feel the pills? A medical condition? Is it chronic? Is it something I can heal with the power of the earth, with syncing up my body and soul to the moon, to the ocean, to the sun itself?

Is it just because I am so sensitive to any rejection - perceived or real?

I feel so vulnerable, like bare wire, raw nerve so often. I understand the need to insulate, to regulate. I do. I just wanna strip everything down first. I wanna run to the country and lay in the muddy spring grass and feel the earth move beneath my body. I wanna breathe in time.

I feel calmer now. I am aware that I am particularly sensitive and vulnerable now. I will make no hasty decisions. I am sitting with these feelings. I am exhausted. I can feel the stress and anxiety in my back -- pain in my shoulders and spine. But you know what? I feel like I am on the path I want to be. I'm going to keep doing my detox. Tonight I will celebrate my life withmy friends (something that indeed is worth celebrating!) and I will keep working on find my core. Strengthening my center. It's like the Buddhists say -- you need to find your seat in the saddle of life. Once you are centered and strong, nothing can knock you down. You learn to be flexible and to bend but you do not break, you do not fall. You always return to center.

That is what I want for my 30th birthday. A creamy nougat center. :) Err, I mean a stronger sense of self. An integration of body, heart, mind, and soul.

I feel a lot better now. And calm.

I'm going to try something Ayumi said when I got upstate. I'm going to unplug from my life in the city. Just enough to get calls about jobs! I'm going to hide and seek.