clouds
where did you come from
it was just so sunny
and now you threaten
with your evasive gray

i've been casting out demons
voodoo spells on my lips
i've been dancing with devils
and laying down lines

clouds
you're as dark as ever
and hovering at the horizon
pissing on my daybreak
and menacing my mascara

i've been a very good girl
i haven't even cut
this feeling just appeared out of no where
deep, lonely, and screaming in my gut

clouds
scratching my eyes, making me cry
with your dust and corrosive lies
your wet doesn't moisten my skin
just bloats and cakes and ignores
natural rhythm and laws of water

trickery

I'm gonna dig out this love of mine with a rusty spoon. I'll sit with the sore, the blood, the gore. Wait for the infection. Drain the pus. Wait and wait and wait and wait til the fade. Til it passes. Til the sun sets. The twilight, the daybreak. I will force hands and heart. I will twist arms and break ankles. I will stop this somehow, I will slam brakes and grind gears. Fast forward years. Rewind days. I will wring out the meaning of this lesson before I've learned it. Cheat life, the universe, the morals of the unrequited. I will break the surface, gasp for air, and only return to the bottom of the ocean if you take my hand and hold my breath.

could be

perhaps you don't belong
but you are needed and desired
in the hearth, in the house
barefoot and warmed by captured fire
there are arms for you here
and fresh baked bread

this is a place to wait out winter
where the floor grows thick carpet
the windows thicken on their own
northern drafts howl but do not touch
the sink is always empty of dishes
the trash never overflows
soft lamp light and hot cocoa in unchipped mugs

mulled apple cider whiskey on the stove
the world smells of cinnamon and cloves
hot baths in a tub suddenly big enough for two
history channel then cartoons at night
the sun finds us in every corner
where we curl up like cats, circular and unaware

in the center of my belly, slightly higher than my navel
in the root of me, i try to ignore, i try to reason
you don't belong here, you don't crave
my head and my heart argue behind closed doors, undecided
but in the depth and breadth
I feel it, like butterflies, like mother, like destined lover
eventually you will come home
exhausted from sewing seeds and fighting wars

lights are left on and finest linens are laid
your hands touch me from the future, from simple pathetic fantasy, perhaps
the settling, the exhale, the entwining of limbs
i tell myself if not you then perhaps another just like
there are spaces to fill and journeys to end
but only when we are whole and can be two, not one

another just like perhaps
but the original seems most likely
cells of me ache to their core
with the knowing, the conclusions drawn
in the dna, the zodiac weaving
before we were even born

maybe it is not intuition that speaks, that fills my core
but hunger, primitive and not spiritual
maybe i own no chakras or auras and maybe the stars are dead
it could just be misfired synapses and psychiatric diagnoses

or it could be love

it could be love

this i bury in my backyard with bones and tin boxes of buttons
this i tuck away in the back of closets with old board games
with the outgrown shoes, with the fairies and forgotten oil paints
this i pull down when i unsure, this i embrace when scared

perhaps from delusion, perhaps from fate

it could be love
it could be love

unrequited

i can be something you can lose
sand between fingers, under the nail
why do i think only in absence
can i fill a room or mean something
more than cubic space i occupy
and statistics and bank account talleys

do you know the kinda love
when all you think is
i'm in love i'm in love i'm in love i'm in love
over and over?
it renders you retarded and inarticulate
when you think of the person
and all you can think is
i love you i love you i love you i love you

then we get mad because three words
don't equal three thousand
attention spans are short
and the days artificially long

...............

i fell apart
but only for a week
so maybe it doesn't count
maybe i can still be forgiven
and thought of as strong

you and i are at our best
between three and five a.m.
there's no bullshit then
eyes see clearly and wise

someday i may be
the girl you lost
not to cocaine
but brain static

strobe lights behind my eyes
ravers, glow sticks and E

over

I need to squeeze hope out of me
Like the last bits of toothpaste

Flat and empty, I can inhale again
Slowly fill, rebreath, rebirth

Scrub this persistent mold from shower corners
Bleach and scratch at it with my nails

Scoop my heart into my hand, one incision
wring it out, give it a good shake, a good talking to

Getting over you, spring cleaning in the fall
Getting over you, I cry, say I don't know how

Like most things I fail to accomplish, I fail to try
I simply just don't want to do in the first place

i want you

haven't we all felt THIS???


Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don't think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can't say anymore than "I love you"
Everything else is a waste of breath

I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall

I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said "Young girl I do believe you're dying"
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
I want you
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways

I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
I want you
It's knowing that she knows you now after only guessing
It's the thought of her undressing you or you undressing

I want you
She tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when she said
"I want you"

I want you
The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop
I want you
I'm afraid I won't know where to stop
I want you
I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear she pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call her name out as she held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
I want you
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I'm going to say it once again 'til I instill it
I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you
I want you