flight of thought
this speeding clumsy train of words
might be all i've got
in this moment
where i'm biting my lip
and burying my phone

why must i feel everything at once
and want to say all my words in one giant blah
I lose my mind and I lose my sense
and I'm supposed to be so damn talented
with these words
these goddamn words
but when I'm upset and you're turning away
they turn into loose letters
drooling down my lips
pooling on my chin
dripping onto the floor

darling i feel it all
i see twenty chess plays ahead
and someone's always ending up dead
crashed and burned and burned and crashed and

this rage, this rage, this goddamn rage
I wish I could put music to this rage, this rage
I play the wrong keys, i sing so out of my key

i sang opera with you
sing my angel
i sang opera with you
drunk in my parent's garage
one am and i was singing
opera with you
my voice so high
and there was no fear
or projections or reflections

this house is full of cats and past
i sit at the same desk where i sat at ten
and here I am still writing, still writing
still trying to be better, to be thinner
to be this girl that I probably, honestly already am

no mirrors here now
i left them all in jersey
and the air is so thick of nicotine
that is not mine
cancer without the pleasure

and I gotta ask
while I don't believe
necesarily in mistakes
did I mis-step or at least pounced
too quickly?

damn my impulsivity
my compulsion
this minor mania that sets off in my brain
and why don't I take my damn ADD meds
when I have a whole bottle
that could make me slower and saner?

I'm so dented and damaged and bruised
You are so dented and damaged and bruised
you said people can heal each other
I believe that, I believe that still

I play this laptop
like the piano
I never learned
never had the patience
to sit down
and try to play

I don't know Major C
from a Minor A
and when I'm with you
I strain my ear
to hear the magic
in the tuba, in the horns,
in the symphony of strings

You can play anything it seems
and hear I sit
swaying in my chair
typing but not composing
can't quite create the same
feeling

my own two hands
can't seem to do what yours can
and my own two ears
can't seem to hear what you can hear

but i can sing
and i can string
words
together
with just
my fingers

no knitting needles
needed
and we both know
I've never been one
to have the
patience
to read the recipe
or follow a pattern

i hit the space bar before words ar
-e finished and the enter key
comes at random times
and I lack rhythm I fear
I lack so many things, my dear

including a mute button
a self-cleaning set of teeth
an off switch for my emotions

god how i fail
i fail myself a thousand times
more than i could ever fail you
and this i know
this i know
i try
i try i try i try

i see, i spy where i trip
where my ankles twist and
where i always seem to fall

i can't play the guitar
and my voice is so often flat
i strive
i strive

to read notes on a page
to understand languages i do not speak
like you
like you

i want to be like you
and i want you to want to be like me
two plants, two tendrils of ivy
twirling and learning and growing
muscle fibers breaking
mending stronger
i am mending stronger

broken bones
heal like titanium
and it takes time
everything takes time
like writing poetry
like playing music
like falling in love

and on top of that
how to do it
perfectly?

or at least in a way that
lends gracefully and gently
to apologies and forgivings

i try,
i strive
I'll sit at this keyboard
and pretend it's making the music I hear
I'll take your hand
across the console of my car
and pretend I know what the fuck I'm doing
and that I'm not scared all the time lately
that I'm doing everything wrong

no, darling I don't know what I'm doing
but I'm going to strive
I'm going to strive
pound on this laptop
and find a syphony in my pathetic,
halting cacophony
that maybe if you don't love
I will
and it'll be enough

When I don't know what to say,
I say everything

With you, my skin tingles
even before you touch
With you, my skin giggles
even before you speak

I fall to awkward, I bite my lip
I trip all over myself

I wrote bad poetry
and wonder why you don't call

I'm sixteen all over again
only you're not Doug Hamilton
and I'm pretty sure you're not gay

:)

I don't want to sleep tonight
In fact, I'm just about rested up

Instead I shall writhe on my floor
Duct tape on my mouth, hands tied to my sides

All the things I am not allowed to say
I scream into the gag

It's the only way
to stop my metamorphosis into a spinster hag

I am learning restraint; how to be a proper, sane girl
I shall practice The Rules and curtsey and fucking
stop swearing

(and swear I'll stop fucking)

the pseudo hippie says I sell myself out
with my Holly Go Lightly

I reply, "but I keep bumping into walls
blindfolded or not"

Existentialist crisis
on Hillcrest Terrace
I will walk a little bit faster
Dodging raindrops as I go

I leave my keys in the door
wet towels on the floor
wear my heart on sleeve
never know when to leave

If I could do cartwheels I might be saved
otherwise I assume I'm damned
left to fall into every vice I crave
my heart preserved in a jar, properly canned

I am a woman
that can only be loved
by a man
that can appreciate
the curve of a calf
and the call of the siren

Long slender necks
of arched-back birds
Circle, sail, hypnotize

Wet grass between toes
I dance with the porch light off
I'm won't be alone in the woods tonight

Here is where you will find me
Fourteen degrees off center
Raining fall around me

Hands outstretched
C'mere, now.
C'mere, soon
in the very least

I never doubt that I am magic
I never doubt that I am magic
I never doubt that I am magic
and a beautiful red queen

Clock hands break in my fingers
Endless ticking, endless tock

Pried out batteries
gears fall to the floor
freezing of memories
no more closing of doors

At the end of wit
is where I am
At the end of wit
is where I sit

You have a girl now
You've had her awhile
but it was a case of I don't ask
and I begged you not to tell

In the shadows of my room
you rest your head on my navel
It's playtime and I pretend
that this time you won't have to leave