I really never thought the day would come that you'd be out of my life. I guess that's the biggest upset - the shock. I mean I trusted you in ways I have never trusted anyone before, with feelings and memories and thoughts I never thought I'd share with anyone. I thought we were family, I thought we had bonded in a deep, spiritual way. I had never been so sure of anything before. With no lover, no other friend. I found home in you, I found comfort, and I fell into myself. I let me be me - ugly, beautiful, contorted, loving, selfish, depressed, ecstatic --- I freed myself and you encouraged it.

And now you're gone.

A thousand times a day I remember the stabbing pain of reading your text saying how your life is so much better without me. I try to understand what I ever did to deserve that. I blamed myself for a really long time and I contorted myself to try to win you back. But honestly.... I dont' think I was ever that bad. I loved you, I would have died for you, I was a good and honest and caring friend. I accepted your faults and encouraged you in your endeavors. I had bad times -- I had wretched dark nights and I'm sure I rattled you a bit -- but to say that your life is better without me? Like I was a disease, some sort of fungus, an infection.... after all I did for you?

To say that our friendship was fake. And that it all meant nothing. That I meant nothing.

It sounds melodramatic and if I were you I'd assure me that I am wrong. But I honestly don't know if I ever can ever bear to be that open and honest with anyone else ever again. Losing you -- having you simply throw me away and turn you back -- has torn me apart. It has left this black disease in my heart and my self esteem is about as low as it could be. That's how fucked up this whole thing is. I should be mad at you, i should blame you.... but I can't. I hope everytime my phne rings that it's you to tell me you're sorry. I simply do not want to believe that you -- that you that I knew and loved and trusted -- could turn into this person you apparently are now.

If someone like you could turn on me, become so cold..... then I don't believe I could ever let anyone else in again. I am sealing the holes n my heart, barricading all doors, and hoping I can make it through this storm.

How does one simply stop caring? overnight?