over

I need to squeeze hope out of me
Like the last bits of toothpaste

Flat and empty, I can inhale again
Slowly fill, rebreath, rebirth

Scrub this persistent mold from shower corners
Bleach and scratch at it with my nails

Scoop my heart into my hand, one incision
wring it out, give it a good shake, a good talking to

Getting over you, spring cleaning in the fall
Getting over you, I cry, say I don't know how

Like most things I fail to accomplish, I fail to try
I simply just don't want to do in the first place

i want you

haven't we all felt THIS???


Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don't think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can't say anymore than "I love you"
Everything else is a waste of breath

I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall

I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said "Young girl I do believe you're dying"
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
I want you
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways

I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
I want you
It's knowing that she knows you now after only guessing
It's the thought of her undressing you or you undressing

I want you
She tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when she said
"I want you"

I want you
The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop
I want you
I'm afraid I won't know where to stop
I want you
I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear she pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call her name out as she held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
I want you
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I'm going to say it once again 'til I instill it
I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you
I want you

turbulence

been begging for a lobotomy
this stiff upper lip thing is bullshit
i'd flood my memories in
whiskey and chemical turbulence
if i could forget you tonight.

I am the darkness
in which you flirt
I am the razor edge
pressed to your skin
But yet, light
But yet, gauze and mend

blood letting

if only i could bleed enough
doctor gimme your leeches
drain me of the blue blood
that thickens the walls of my veins

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

inside i am technicolor
from inside it comes out
it comes out
this ever spilled milk
over which i am not to cry
it sours and curdles
amongst kittens, broken tiles
i am a genius he says to me
under a giant plastic apple

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

give me your rusty tools
the yellowed hypocratic oath
light me up like vegas
flip on the ECT
rewire the walls, rewire my walls
fry these circuits
til the whole house burns down

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

doctor, i've got an empty drawer
waiting for a bottle
right in that bottom drawer
yeah, he says i'm a genius
but when i'm dirt
when i am the ash
it is only a perhaps epiptath

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

tonight i struggle with
the thoughts that keep me up
begging for those leaches
grinding my teeth for release
and one more evening
like all those others
i have to forget

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

switch

i'm doing it again
i'm doing it again
stumbling in the dark
grasping at corners
feeling the walls
where's that switch
that flip me back
where is the drug
that turns me up
to an acceptable volume
and level of coping
perhaps its at the bottom of this bottle
ashes on the keyboard again
ashes on the keyboard again

billy corgan

i said that i'd dig out the treadmill
i'd do an hour, i'm thirty now, i want to be healthy, i want to be hot
i want to be everything that i'm not
instead i sit in the garish light of out of season christmas lights
chain smoking, binge drinking
chanting incantations and scarring my skin
my heart has become too full
my face has molded into a smile
it's all in vain, it's all in vain

the ice cream man has pulled me into his van
offered me any flavor, any topping i desire
i am five again and somehow skinny
i am fifteen again and lactose tolerant
the ice cream spreads his hands
he's billy corgan
today is the greatest day
and i can have anything i want

the cats won't stop howling
they're talking, conspiring, chortling their love yous
a family formed five feet below me
upon the floor where i will someday fall
just please tell me why my left arm aches
and why when i really want you to you never call