My Chest

....because a blog is cheaper than therapy.

Well, I was thinking for awhile (ok, several months) that I was hot shit. It's kinda embarrassing now to admit. But I mean I worked REALLY hard to get what I had. I have? I just really was absolutely 100% sure that my star was on the rise. Then I kinda hit the wall because of a lot of mistakes I was making. And then I lost the venue for my shows. I don't know -- I had so much support from people for my writing and performing and then at my last show I got this panicked feeling, this awful, awful thought:

What if they're all just being nice?

So since then I haven't been able to write and I've been kinda hiding my head. I'm sure I probably don't have that much to feel stupid about. But I just got this wash of self-consciousness. I was at the point where I felt perfectly comfortable standing on stage and saying ANYTHING. I thought I was in a groove. And now - the butterflies, the stage fright is back. I think it's my agoraphobia kicking back in. With at tad of narcissism thrown in my for good measure.

I was supposed to do a gig last night - not like a big feature or anything - but a set at an open and I just couldn't do it. Agoraphobia kicked in. And also I knew that none of my friends were going. I know I need to be more professional but there's just no motivation for me to go to a venue where I don't know anyone (as wonderful and supportive as they may be!). My social anxiety kicks in and I find myself tongue-tied and scared. I had one friend who always was available to go with me to shows when no one else would and now they're less than interested/available and it sucks. And I'm pissed off. I feel abandoned. I thought we were friends and this person just pretty much disappears. We never talk anymore and when we do I'm just so pissed off. But anyway, I digress.

I've been irritable and pissed off a LOT the past month or so. Times are really tough for me, for sure. I have these moments of sheer desperation and then I remember my pride and then I feel like an asshole. I'm completely disenchanted with every aspect of my life. I'm becoming a bigger shut-in then I used to be. I'm depressed. I'm lonely and frustrated about my life and all I keep doing is pulling away from life. I'm in the heaviest I've ever been. I'm in the worst shape of my life. And the one thing I felt confident about - my writing, my performing - I just feel like shit about.

So yeah. I'm sick of living in NYC but don't know where else to go. Nor do I have the money to go. I'm sick of being single but I know I'm in no position to be in a relationship. And every man I meet is -- well. I'm just gonna say it. I mean FREAKS. I mean the biggest assholes. Like... it's staggering. It really is. I talk to my other friends and they don't have nearly the amount of bullshit in their lives like I do. Because I keep meeting such awful people I am even more convinced that I'm never going to do better. So I'm getting to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm never goign to fall in love again. I'm wondering at what point I should just settle. And it makes me bitter and pissed off more.

I don't have money for anything. I've been out of to work for 5 months (except a week or so on a movie that dried up) and I'm pissed off at my union for being useless. I'm pissed off because I am late paying them two quarters of my dues. I am going to lose my health insurance the end of this year. I've worked in this indsutry for 8 years and I'm just sick of banging my head against the wall. But I don't know what else to do. I can't afford to go back to school nor do I want to.

So I essentially am completely, 100% lost. I'm broke, I'm depressed, I'm single, and I have no idea what or where I want to be. I spend 99% of my time in my apartment watching shows from my DVR and sitting at this computer. This is no exaggeration. Everyday blends into the next. wake up around 10. Sometimes 11. Then I'm online until like 1 or 2 am. Literally. I have no life. And the time I did spend focusing on my poetry and events -- well, I've lost my confidence.

I have no money so I don't go out. I have social anxiety so I hate to go into the city or really anywhere that's not in a 4 block radius. It's just getting REALLY REALLY old.

My mom is coming today. I want to take her to do fun things but we have no money and I feel bad because I OWE her money that I can't repay.

I feel so pathetic and pissed off. And it's been this way for MONTHS.

I am just so very very very unhappy with the way my life is right now. I really have no idea how to fix it. I'm going to go to some open mics and try to make some new connections. I'm goign to try to force myself to move more. I called a center in the city for food addiction. Food rehab. And as for work. I really just don't know. I'm lost.