limit

everything below my waist swells
I've gotten used to ankles
the size of softballs
and have stopped complaining
that it hurts to walk.

i thought i'd hit rock bottom
at 250
at 300
then at 325 I fell
I dropped
I shrunk to 260
then five years
up fifty
down fifty
til age 30 I
cry in a doctor's office
and say
"that scale is wrong."

and she believed me
she said there's no way
you weigh that much
and i felt hope

i waddled after her
to another exam room
but there it was
the only thing broken
is me

she says my blood pressure is up
i say it's from the shock
she talks about endochrine disease
and I reach for faith
but it's hidden behind the cracker box

in a month she says
return and we'll check things again

i eat pizza watching
intervention and other addict shows
other happy fat shows
biggest loser and more to love
i want to save your life, he says

i don't think there's any hope or help
or any sort of chance for me
i'm sorry, but it's true
i watched sylvia
and felt haunted
walking room to room
summer storm outside
carlos called me to come out and play
it seemed better than dying
at least for today

i thought my limit would be thirty
i thought my limit would be immobility
i think my limit is diabetes
perhaps my limit is when they say cancer
or maybe it'll never come
and i'll just die
unlike a human
so far from a woman
more of a piece of heavy equipment
hauled and managed
not loved and cherished

i thought i'd be better
than this