flat

I'm still so lost.

I keep waiting for epiphanies telling me where I should go and what I should do but I'm just as lost as I have been for months. Life is so juicy and full of adventure and here I am struggling through to figure out what I want by process of elimination. I don't want to live in the North Country. I think life would be easier in Jersey. So I guess I'll try there. But there's no joy in anything. It's not even that I'm depressed - I don't feel I am. I just have a very hard time thinking of things that make me happy. That's not normal, right? I love my friends and family and being around them makes me happy. But I don't want to live up here. In the city my friends are spread out and I'm afraid I won't ever see them. Especially if I move to Jersey. I'm not so afraid of the prospect of meeting new people though, so that's good. But I am just SO lost.

I'm trying to find my way, I'm trying to rediscover dreams and passions. Just nothing stirs me. I don't want to write. It feels like a chore and it's so draining. I love performing. Maybe I should do that more? Fuck, maybe I am depressed. I don't fele it though. I just feel... flat. Uninspired.

I just hate the idea of chugging along just to chug. Of settling. I want so badly to be happy, to be over-the-moon happy. But I don't know how. Or what. It's so frustrating. I'm starving with a fucking buffet in front of me!

There's just something missing from my life. Missing from me. There's a vacancy, there's this lack of .....

I hate this SO much. I hate it. I fucking HATE IT!!!!