My Chest

....because a blog is cheaper than therapy.

Well, I was thinking for awhile (ok, several months) that I was hot shit. It's kinda embarrassing now to admit. But I mean I worked REALLY hard to get what I had. I have? I just really was absolutely 100% sure that my star was on the rise. Then I kinda hit the wall because of a lot of mistakes I was making. And then I lost the venue for my shows. I don't know -- I had so much support from people for my writing and performing and then at my last show I got this panicked feeling, this awful, awful thought:

What if they're all just being nice?

So since then I haven't been able to write and I've been kinda hiding my head. I'm sure I probably don't have that much to feel stupid about. But I just got this wash of self-consciousness. I was at the point where I felt perfectly comfortable standing on stage and saying ANYTHING. I thought I was in a groove. And now - the butterflies, the stage fright is back. I think it's my agoraphobia kicking back in. With at tad of narcissism thrown in my for good measure.

I was supposed to do a gig last night - not like a big feature or anything - but a set at an open and I just couldn't do it. Agoraphobia kicked in. And also I knew that none of my friends were going. I know I need to be more professional but there's just no motivation for me to go to a venue where I don't know anyone (as wonderful and supportive as they may be!). My social anxiety kicks in and I find myself tongue-tied and scared. I had one friend who always was available to go with me to shows when no one else would and now they're less than interested/available and it sucks. And I'm pissed off. I feel abandoned. I thought we were friends and this person just pretty much disappears. We never talk anymore and when we do I'm just so pissed off. But anyway, I digress.

I've been irritable and pissed off a LOT the past month or so. Times are really tough for me, for sure. I have these moments of sheer desperation and then I remember my pride and then I feel like an asshole. I'm completely disenchanted with every aspect of my life. I'm becoming a bigger shut-in then I used to be. I'm depressed. I'm lonely and frustrated about my life and all I keep doing is pulling away from life. I'm in the heaviest I've ever been. I'm in the worst shape of my life. And the one thing I felt confident about - my writing, my performing - I just feel like shit about.

So yeah. I'm sick of living in NYC but don't know where else to go. Nor do I have the money to go. I'm sick of being single but I know I'm in no position to be in a relationship. And every man I meet is -- well. I'm just gonna say it. I mean FREAKS. I mean the biggest assholes. Like... it's staggering. It really is. I talk to my other friends and they don't have nearly the amount of bullshit in their lives like I do. Because I keep meeting such awful people I am even more convinced that I'm never going to do better. So I'm getting to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm never goign to fall in love again. I'm wondering at what point I should just settle. And it makes me bitter and pissed off more.

I don't have money for anything. I've been out of to work for 5 months (except a week or so on a movie that dried up) and I'm pissed off at my union for being useless. I'm pissed off because I am late paying them two quarters of my dues. I am going to lose my health insurance the end of this year. I've worked in this indsutry for 8 years and I'm just sick of banging my head against the wall. But I don't know what else to do. I can't afford to go back to school nor do I want to.

So I essentially am completely, 100% lost. I'm broke, I'm depressed, I'm single, and I have no idea what or where I want to be. I spend 99% of my time in my apartment watching shows from my DVR and sitting at this computer. This is no exaggeration. Everyday blends into the next. wake up around 10. Sometimes 11. Then I'm online until like 1 or 2 am. Literally. I have no life. And the time I did spend focusing on my poetry and events -- well, I've lost my confidence.

I have no money so I don't go out. I have social anxiety so I hate to go into the city or really anywhere that's not in a 4 block radius. It's just getting REALLY REALLY old.

My mom is coming today. I want to take her to do fun things but we have no money and I feel bad because I OWE her money that I can't repay.

I feel so pathetic and pissed off. And it's been this way for MONTHS.

I am just so very very very unhappy with the way my life is right now. I really have no idea how to fix it. I'm going to go to some open mics and try to make some new connections. I'm goign to try to force myself to move more. I called a center in the city for food addiction. Food rehab. And as for work. I really just don't know. I'm lost.

New Pieces for Persephonous Blue

"How Was Your Weekend?" by Angel Thompson Georges
"For the L Sisters" by Lori Williams
"A Soft-Ass Mother Fucker" by Erek Smith
"Prophet" by Paul Christian Stevens

the game

Was thinking I wish I had someone to curl with up with and watch "the game." I don't care about "the game" but I like cute boys who do.

I wrote an email to my ex to see how he was doing. He ignored it. I wish it didn't matter.

Wish I could kill hope. Not about him. I just mean hope in general.

Sweet God I've Been Miserable Lately

I'm not going to get into all the crap I've been going through lately. I'm getting kinda sick of being locked inside my own head. So fucking self-absorbed. When I'm freaking out about things and/or feeling depressed I just sorta shrink into this miserable little woman scared and and pissed off about everything. I've been doing a lot more existing than living lately. But life is freaking gorgeous and today is a perfect day in NYC. It's warm but cool, beachy but breezy. And the best? We're supposed to get a big storm tonight. So I'm happy. I'm also happy that the book is coming along well. Not so happy that I still haven't done my dishes. But I will. Happy because my mom is coming down to see my last show at Stain. Pissed off because I'm still not working. Happy because I just read that gold fish love oranges. Kinda looking forward to seeing mine pick away at one -- I'm so weird.

My stomach is bitchy today. Going to go feed the fish and do one more pass through Chapter 5. I'd really like to get the first 100 pages squared away by the end of the weekend. I'm about half way through.

Muah's!

Goodbye, Stain Bar

Love You Til Then: A Celebration of Stain Bar
Friday, June 12th 7:00 pm $5 Cover Charge
Stain Bar, 766 Grand Street Williamsburg Brooklyn

After five years of supporting the arts of New York City, Williamsburg landmark Stain Bar is closing its doors. Many performers, including yours truly, got their start on their modest stage and without this bar, An Echo, A Stain and Stained Glass Confessional would not exist. Tonight we say thank you to owners Craig and Caroline and celebrate the spirit of Stain with music and poetry.

All performers are allowed 5-7 minutes.



"An Echo A Stain" by Bjork

She touched
My arm
And smiled

One of these days
Soon
Very soon
Love you 'til then
Love you 'til then

Feel my breath
On your neck
And your heart
Will race

Don't say no to me
You can't say no to me
I won't see you
Denied

I'm sorry you saw that
I'm sorry he did it
An echo
A stain
A stain

I can't say no to you
I can't say no to you
Say nothing

Free falling
Complete

taboo

Perhaps some things should not be said
But they should always be written

I am one who will bleed on your stage
I will dissolve into the wood, taking grains
with me as if I were acid, not flesh

Perhaps some things should not be said
But they should always be written

I Need Money - Buy My Stuff!!!

Tonight I learned that the movie I'm working on is kaput so after less than 2 weeks of work, I'm back on the dole.

In an effort to make money and to also de-clutter my life, I'm going to be selling a ton of my stuff. Hey, it's just stuff right? And maybe you need some of this stuff. Help a girl out. I'll add pics and descriptions tomorrow.

- PS2 w/controllers & wires, guitar hero guitar (corded) and FOUR guitar hero games - 1-3 & 80's. $100

- Misc. DVD's. Will post later. I have the first two seasons of Lost if you're interested.

- A small silver DVD player with remote. $15

- Large green coffee table. $50

- Collection of green vases $20 for all - 3 little ones, 1 large one, 1 extra large

- Cat toy/scratch post $10

- Black and Decker Food Processor. Used once. $25

- Glass pasta canister. $5

- Brand new wide-slot toaster. $7

- Collection of recipe books, some nice hard covers. $10

- Unused plastic kiddie pool. $5

- Hair straightener. $5

- Blowdryer $5

- Small curling iron $2

- Electric kettle. $10

- Large, metal, collapsible, bi-level animal crate $20 obo

- Ikea Desk $5

- Black wooden Ikea chair $10 (never used)

- Misc. cookie sheets, baking pans, & roaster rack $15

- HP Multi-Use Printer, Copier, Scanner in 1. With extra ink cartridges. Works perfectly. $60

- Misc. books. List to come

- Large black grocery cart. $15

- Treadmill. Gym-quality. Works perfectly except the incline is off. Paid 800 dollars two years ago. More details to come. $500

- Collection of Jem & The Holograms Collectibles, circa 1985. $75 (paid way, way more.) Details to come.

- Full length mirror, brown frame. $7

- Professional headphones. $20

- Set of red mugs. $5

- Glass dip & chip server $10

- Decorative wooden incense holder $5

- White gravy boat. Never used. $5

- Pink and purple stripped afghan throw. $10

- Thick Ikea cream colored curtains. Floor-length. 2 sets. $25

- Black high heel knee boots. Size 9. $15

- Lid holder that goes on your wall. $5 Ikea

- Proctor Silex Blender. Great for margaritas. $10

- Bar set with measuring glass, strainer, and shaker $10

- Small fondue set $10

- Small Proctor Silex 4-6? cup coffee maker. Used less than 10 times. $15

- Set of Brooklyn Brewery Oktoberfest beer steins with handles. $10

- Magnetic paper towel holder $5

- USB 3.5 Floppy Reader $10

- Wrought-iron floor candleabra, holds 5 pillar candles. $20

- Gorgeous wooden antique magazine rack. $20

- 3 black shadow box shelves $15

- Cute picnic basket from Target. It's wicker with white gingham. Paid $20. Will sell for $15. Used once.

- George Foreman Grill, small $15

- Metal dishstrainer with red base and black utensil bin $15

- Electric mixer $15

- Crockpot $20

- Painting - woman in red $20

- Small space heater/fan $15

- Blue yankees cap, barely worn $12

- Black pinstripe cap $5

- Small black formalish purse $5

- Yoga DVD w/ mat & strap $18

- Small white shelf $5