blood letting

if only i could bleed enough
doctor gimme your leeches
drain me of the blue blood
that thickens the walls of my veins

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

inside i am technicolor
from inside it comes out
it comes out
this ever spilled milk
over which i am not to cry
it sours and curdles
amongst kittens, broken tiles
i am a genius he says to me
under a giant plastic apple

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

give me your rusty tools
the yellowed hypocratic oath
light me up like vegas
flip on the ECT
rewire the walls, rewire my walls
fry these circuits
til the whole house burns down

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

doctor, i've got an empty drawer
waiting for a bottle
right in that bottom drawer
yeah, he says i'm a genius
but when i'm dirt
when i am the ash
it is only a perhaps epiptath

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

tonight i struggle with
the thoughts that keep me up
begging for those leaches
grinding my teeth for release
and one more evening
like all those others
i have to forget

and in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
of this crooked heart
in the ho hum
in the thump thump thump
in this crooked heart

switch

i'm doing it again
i'm doing it again
stumbling in the dark
grasping at corners
feeling the walls
where's that switch
that flip me back
where is the drug
that turns me up
to an acceptable volume
and level of coping
perhaps its at the bottom of this bottle
ashes on the keyboard again
ashes on the keyboard again

billy corgan

i said that i'd dig out the treadmill
i'd do an hour, i'm thirty now, i want to be healthy, i want to be hot
i want to be everything that i'm not
instead i sit in the garish light of out of season christmas lights
chain smoking, binge drinking
chanting incantations and scarring my skin
my heart has become too full
my face has molded into a smile
it's all in vain, it's all in vain

the ice cream man has pulled me into his van
offered me any flavor, any topping i desire
i am five again and somehow skinny
i am fifteen again and lactose tolerant
the ice cream spreads his hands
he's billy corgan
today is the greatest day
and i can have anything i want

the cats won't stop howling
they're talking, conspiring, chortling their love yous
a family formed five feet below me
upon the floor where i will someday fall
just please tell me why my left arm aches
and why when i really want you to you never call

the same dark

two hours ago i was optimistic
i had plans and good intentions
the sunsets and i fall to darkness
never both to turn on the lights
computer screen absorbs my face

somewhere in the shadows
i open a beer, light a cigarette
the phone rings, it's not you
so i don't answer, i never answer
i am locked inside some madness
cage fight to the death
only one soul will exit when it's through

the world is a mean girl, a prom queen to me
carrots are dangled and i run
that damn optimism, that dreaded hope
i declare secrets and write sonnets
my voice fades to whisper, to simple breath
periodic moan, glass slippers slicing off toes

in the dark, in the same dark
i had with you, i slept besides, in the dark
that is not as soft now, is not as friendly now
it is this dark that drags me back
nails in the dark, I am Persephone
it is winter, it is time, it is time
and away i am taken, much more than i flee

the grass seems so far from me now
thousands of feet above and below
i want to read minds, i want to inspect hands
before they touch me
if i keep dirnking, i don't tihnk i'll stop
trying to drain myself, trying to drown myself
trying to soak away all that i hate
marinade in bodega forties
fingers too young to be stained this yellow
but still yet that way

eh... another draft

this bell is for you
i held it, tight and lovingly
as the plane came down
crystal and defined, etched and scarred
it never broke
even thought i did

again

i compose, predisposed to the deep
the wings tore away first
like a fly in a five year's old fist
the plummet, at first like the log ride
back when i was fourteen and at darien lake
the splash not as gentle
and no laughter this time

half assed half asleep draft to finish later

his name is moh
and he's been driving
this cab for fifteen years
since he left Egypt
for a better life.

There he was a lawyer
and he attended the mosque
regularly and there he laughs
he was never tempted by bacon

and now
now he can't sleep

whenever he picks me up
he laughs, he chain smokes
weaving through screeching traffic
along the bqe, moh laughs
but he says, he always says
"if only i could
just get some sleep."

i suggest tylenol pm, a doctor
some melatonin but he changes
the subject as he swerves
into the right lane
the metropolitan ave exit
he says he wants to work in movies

his dreams to me, are those of
someone twnety years younger
and they are dreams that were once mine
and they are dreams that i no longer
give a shit about anymore

he says
you're lucky
you work with the stars
i shake my head
"I work with the stars money"
moh says
no you're lucky
you can go home
and get some sleep

dance card

lady lazarus
back from the dead
from under houses
torn from crawl spaces
pumped of poison
we rise and stories we tell

i do not claim to know death well
have only waltzed with him in the garden
he possessed a skilled step
and an even temper
he fills my dance card and slaps my ass

he never calls the next day.