How Come

That after all this time of saying yes unconditionally and then being broken hearted at feeling used and unappreciated and taken for granted does it still hurt when I finally learn to say no?

I guess it's because part of me just wants to believe in higher ideals. That the good guys always win, that people that you love will never stop caring, and that people, in their very marrow are good and fair and honest and just. I want to believe that I leave an indelible mark in people's lives long after I'm gone the way people do in mine.

I'm exhausted. And I wish I could be cold hearted and disconnected. I wish I didn't feel so pathetic about still caring. I wish I could see it as a strength, as a lingering proof that what I felt was real. I just keep coming back to this Fiona song where she's talking about hooking up with an ex and she wonders why she did it and then she sings "I guess I just really loved him, I guess that's it."

And I did. And I always will. Diminished, yes. But I will. Nothing changes that. I can still see the man I loved, I can still his perfections and his flaws. But time and distance has made me see that it wasn't meant to be. I want to leave an indelible mark.

I'm rambling in exhaustion and emotional drainage (does that even make sense?) Time to go to bed to rise in 7.5 hrs to work my ass off again. but then the week will be easy and short and I can finally have time to slow down (I haven't had a day where I haven't worked or drove or been running errands in oh, three weeks?) and think and reaccess and reprioritize and honestly, I just want sometime to feel accomplished and proud. I conquered some real fears lately and have had great success and feel alive(although albeit always exhausted!) and exuberant and filled with light. I feel proud and happy and although tired it's that good tired you get after working your ass off and seeing the results. I've done good. And I deserve to reflect on that.

But yeah.... how come?