ick

I feel so gross and fat and crazy and delusional.

A picture. It's all from a picture taken of me yesterday.

I looked happy but I looked so damn bad.

And now I just wanna hide and if seen mutter apologies.

I do not love myself right now.

I feel too tired and hungover and chemically whirlled to do anything about it now but feel bad and sit on the couch listening to sad songs and wish this headache and this self hatred will dissipate and I can only hope that people don't see that girl when they look at me. I feel like they see the girl I want to be and I hold my breath and wait for them to open their eyes, for the light to change, then they'll know how repugnant i am. how weak and pathetic and vulnerable and pulsing and raw. a bare nerve. zip zap zip zap.

i am all insulation. no wires. i am all shorts and shocks, no closed circuits.