spin on spinster (draft)

we walk in the door and the bouncer,
pony-tailed, tattooed, and pierced,
asks for our IDs

I hand him mine and tell him my name
say that I'm here to perform at 10
he hands me back my license
takes James' and smiles slow
his lips kind, flirting, but teasing
"so you're the spinster"
he says to me

I giggle because what else can I do
it's before Valentine's Day
it's how I'd billed myself, promoted my show
but part of me throbs
the feminist inside kicks her
I remember freshman year
grrrl talk, grrl power, audre lorde
yaddah yaddah yaddah

i say yes and am glad it's dark
so no one sees me blush or care

what the hell else can i do?
you call me fat, i'm going to eat cake
and smile and lick the frosting from my lips

what can i do, indeed?
i'm turning thirty, i'm single, i'm childless
so I'll glue stuffed animals on my clothes
and smile and proclaim myself a cat lady

i'll throw parties to mourn my dusty ovum
and i'll wrap myself in spanx and
sting my lips til they swell with chemicals
I can't do that sex and the city thing
even with cosmo in hand it's not to be faked

i'll explain to my lover that i'm in no hurry
but yet there's a clock in my head that won't rewind
i'll continue on being practiced and cute and
constantly questioning and neurotic
and if he's worthy he won't be wary

(too much)

i'm trying to embrace the great
advertising motto of my childhood
and morph it with the lessons of
skinned knees and broken hearts
earned and inflicted on back dirt roads
and school yard ball fields

never let them see you sweat
and certainly never let them see you cry

i've learned to control my lower lip
the timbre and resonance of my voice
but I know my eyes are wide and alive
and I can't wear sunglasses all the time

i take the stage and am happy I can laugh at myself
I say laugh now if you're gonna laugh later
so I imagine the speeches that'll be given at my wedding
and the stories I'll tell my daughter
as I rock her to sleep
I'll tell her that her mommy
was a poet in New York City
and I'll leave out all the hard parts
and the times I was less than brave